Banes of Social Media Dependancy

Wow. My post title can qualify for a legit article in one of those online news portals.

I've been feeling terrible about myself recently (actually, since the final trimester last year) for a few reasons; the biggest one is being stuck at home and not able to easily go out anywhere whenever I like because of my 2nd baby demanding 90% of my attention. I always find myself putting the blame on our innocent little birdie only to realize later that it's only my own fault in the end. She didn't ask to be born into the world at this particular time in my life, so it's simply outrageous for me to even think about blaming her for anything I can't do.

I typed out these thoughts while breastfeeding my (now) 3-month-old baby:

It's hard to feel grateful for all I have (my loving family, roof over my head, food on the table, Internet access, somewhat clean water, electricity, mobile phone and laptop, car. Basically everything.) when I have a list of things I want to do and accomplish but can't because I have a 2-month old baby and a 2-year-old requiring my attention and care.


Having a kid is no joke. Having 2 is, to me, bonkers. I can't begin to imagine how parents cope with more than 2 children now. We have hired a live-in helper and still I'm struggling. I still feel like I have not enough time to do the things I want to do for myself, for my own personal growth and enjoyment. Because all I can think about doing when I manage to get some free me-time is to watch TV and eat ice cream and only stop when one of the kids wake up. I can't imagine if we didn't have help with the house. Already I feel guilty for not being able to spend enough time with Joel, now that baby Mia cries for milk every 2-3 hours and demands serious attention especially during the day. One thing I am thankful for, she sleeps quite long at night, maybe waking up only twice. She takes short naps in the day and sleeps way longer at night. SO AWESOME. Which means I'm awake in the daytime and awake till late at night. And by late, I'm talking 3 am sleepy times. I'd say I'm sleeping at least 6 hours; sometimes I'm breastfeeding Mia in my sleep. I don't know how but it's one of God's miracles that it's possible.
Since I can't do much else while breastfeeding, and the easiest thing to do is use the phone, I'll be on Instagram and Facebook (the devil). Looking at other people's lives in photos, their travels and holidays, the fancy food they're eating, the out-of-home activities they're doing with friends and loved ones. And that just gets me depressed and sad and hopeless and angry. It's made me into someone who compares what others have/do with what I have/do. It makes me forget that every person's path in life is different, incomparable; no point in feeling terrible just because I haven't experienced what they have experienced. It's made me forget that they haven't experienced what I've experienced, so there. I remind myself that each person's experience comes to them at different points in their lives. I don't HAVE to do those 25 or 30 things by age 25 or 30. Hell, I can do them whenever I can! My time will come when I can go for month-long holidays and cross-country trips. I already have so much; everything else from here on out is a welcome bonus.
I try to keep in touch with friends but everyone is busy. So I remind myself not to text too often; you don't want to look too desperate or like you have too much free time and no social life (but it's true I don't have an active social life, haven't had one since Joel popped in 2014). And then I stay away from the phone for awhile and vow to stay away from social media but that only lasts for a day probably. And when I am with my kids I tend to want to use my phone to take photos and subconsciously plan which ones I should post on Instagram and what the caption should sound like.
Instagram is great, especially to expose yourself to other people's art and culture, but at the same time it can make you feel worthless and small and insignificant and therefore depressed.
I need to constantly remind myself of all the good things I have that are way more important. Sometimes my amazing husband helps me out with that (because honestly, there are some bad days). And then I know I am blessed and feel thankful for all that I do have.
I'm only 29, 30 this year (omg), and I already am blessed with 2 beautiful children (Joel has been amazing - sometimes I have to remind myself he's only 2 - about having someone else stealing his parents' attention sometimes), an amazing just out-of-this-world kind of husband and a loving and caring family, a few (just enough) good friends with that one forever friend who's been there all the time despite living a thousand miles away (definitely more than 1000, it just sounds better).






I'm planning on having an actual camera (probably a DSLR) on-hand to capture every day moments. I try my best not to have my phone around when Joel is around, because he tends to want to play with it, too. Yes. He knows how to use a smartphone. It's crazy with kids these days - he's only TWO! He can't read or write but give him a smartphone or a tablet and he'll find his way to YouTube.

Here's to focusing more on the little things, making tiny memories every day and savouring little moments instead of looking into that black hole of a mobile phone.

xo,

D

Dead end

I just discovered alt-J's music today. Thank God I bought Laneway tickets for next year already. (Sshhh I haven't told the boy yet.)

I was browsing the internet yesterday, loads of crafty stuff and pretty flowers and photos and videos of event organizing. It made me feel very small (what doesn't, these days..) and it made me rethink about what I want to do - ultimately - with my life, aside from spending it with my future husband. I realize I have to work, to have a steady (or not) income every month. That is the only way I can afford to buy the things I love, buy concert tickets, buy some nice clothes, nice stuff for the home. I couldn't afford a ticket for Laneway this year because I wasn't working, just teaching part time once a week, which was just enough to pay rent and buy food.

I really want to work with paper, print, anything. I'm considering going into event planning. Or just event decorating, if that's a thing. I want to be able to have free time, not just on weekends. I need to figure my shit out. Again.

Well, I just wanted to mention how this song really demonstrates how I feel now. Mellow but restless. I'm very restless and I can't do anything. Yet. 

Here I go again. On and on about how everything is not right.

I am getting married in a month (!!) and this is what I can think about now. You know how they say 'just relax before the wedding, everything will be fine'? Don't believe them. But if you realize that you can, by all means please lay low and rest up, think of nothing but lazing all day.

They gave Obama a second chance. I guess I should give myself a second chance too. Let's see how this goes.

peace+love

Read the words

(source: Everything Reminds Me Of You)

OK there are just too many things on my mind that I want to do. So I'm just going to list them all down..

-Read a book

-Finish it in a week or two

-Cover some songs on the piano

-Write something, anything

So maybe I should've just wrote this on a piece of paper. But if they're here I'm compelled to actually do them and produce some results. Hopefully.

Right now, I'm reading The Inheritance of Loss. (Oh, I'm still stuck with Anna Karenin so I decided to screw it for a while and take a breather haha). I forgot how well writers of Indian descent described things. It's different. I can clearly see it in my head the scene the writer describes. I've been thinking of re-reading A Fine Balance. That was an eye-opener, a horror story. I think I first read it when I was 16 or 17. Damn.

As if I don't have any new books to read. The list is too extraordinary I don't know when I will be done with them. Right now when I think of all the books that I must have, I feel really bad because I haven't read the books that I have now. I think there're easily 20 unread books in my collection. Oh God. And I still don't have the ones that I really really want.

One is never satisfied, eh.

But that's how people keep on living because there will always be more things to live for, to fight for, to work for. The vicious cycle.

It will never be enough, what you have now. Never. We always want more and more. That's life.

Song of the day (or week): 3 Libras - A Perfect Circle

peace+love

mission statement

Schoolbus Still-Life by Loree

I have a mission for Sunday: CHORES. I am going to do some serious housework tomorrow if that's the last thing I do. 

How dramatic was that?

Anyway I was just thinking about how I always neglect taking care of myself because of the worst reason in the world. I'm lazy. Yes. I'm actually lazy to slap on some moisturizer after a bath, sometimes. And sometimes, after taking off my makeup (which is such a feat for me), I forget to put on some moisturizer. It's always that moisturizer factor. And I have grown quite tired of me being so uninterested in myself. If I'm not interested in myself, how am I going to expect anyone else to be? I don't mean I want to attract boys or anything. Just anyone. I am that person who believes that if you know you look good enough, you feel good and there's some good positive vibes right there. With that, I believe you will be able to attract people with your presence and confidence and yeah you'll have to know how to make good conversation.

I don't know about you but I guess that's how I am. If I'm being very self-conscious about myself, I'm not going to even look confident, let alone be confident mentally.

One more thing. I can't seem to start writing anything besides ranting in this blog. I've lost touch. But I promise myself that I'm still going to try. I have some ideas for a story I just need to start writing. I have this problem where I cannot use Microsoft Word. It's like a really bad relationship we have. Even when I had lots of assignments to do. I just couldn't bring myself to open that program and start typing. Maybe it's the typing.

Maybe it's because it looks so empty I have no idea how to fill it up. Man, do I make the worst painter ever (that's something I thought I would try to pick up too. One can dream). 

You see how I can go on and on? I just can't seem to give you a nice story. It's always patches of things. Like a patchwork quilt.

peace+love

not again once more

First off, I'm disappointed I only posted seven times this month (so far). Secondly, I should be sleeping already since I have an early day tomorrow/today (depends how you look at it). Thirdly, I have this urgent need to rant and rant and curse and swear but I don't think I should. Because I might sound distasteful and I wouldn't want that.
There're actually just two things right now in my head. My family and having found a new (awesome) place to stay. Thing is, they require two different approaches. One gives me worries and the other is exciting.
I don't think I should talk more about it yet.

But seriously though, Tumblr is my heaven right now. Face-what? It's been a week since I canceled that awful thing. I kinda hate saying the word and typing it out hurts too. However, I do realize a lot of stuff is on there. Pages of bars, clubs, cafes and online shops. But what the hell they should be on twitter too. So F fb. I'm all in for Tumblr and some tweets from some hilarious people. No more "I'm so tire leh..working life suck la.." and "just got a (new something) today! so happy!" or "At (local place/restaurant/bar/toilet) now. Nice..". Oh and I despise foursquare with a passion. I think people who use foursquare are idiots, no offence. What the hell, seriously? How did we live before it came about? Now, you always have to use it? What the fuck for? Is it really that important?

Damn I really need to sleep. I'm sorry I lied about not going to rant.

peace+love

Bring it

It's May already. My, oh my. I'm listening to Squirrel Nut Zippers. Definitely not the kind of music you listen to when you're down and you need some time to wallow.

Anyways. May, bring it. I promise myself to practice harder each day. I promise to be on top of graduation prep  (program notes, composers' info, and of course my pieces.)

Also, I promise to avoid chicken rice as much as I possibly can (after yesterday). It's not related to the main issue here but I just thought it best to say it. Chicken rice is really good but the after taste just never leaves your mouth till you scrub it out. I think it's the ginger or garlic. I'm not good with this stuff. My ex-housemate used to tell me that eating chicken rice before a class presentation is a no-no (bad breath is a big faux pas). I say eating chicken rice is a no-no; because all you'll want to do is sleep after. It's horrible and sinful, really. I always, always feel bad after enjoying a plate of chicken rice. So, no more. No more feeling bad. The only solution is to avoid chicken rice which should be easy. There are so many other food choices. I should be fine.

As unprepared as I am, I can't wait for August. I can't wait to get a job, internship or permanent or part-time or full-time. I can't wait to save more money, since I'm trying to save as much as I can now with my allowance. It sucks to be getting allowance at this age when your peers and those younger are already earning their own money. Sucks balls.

WASTED RITA - superheroes

peace+love

awake but not sound

Can't sleep and listening to Old Brand New's Weekend Jukebox mix. It's such an awesome virtual playlist. Go ahead. Thanks to him, I got a listen to Portishead's stuff. I'm kept awake because I was talking to myself in my head too much. Plus, I had a nap in the evening. Also not forgetting my constantly thinking about when I will be ready for my graduation recital.

On another note, it amazes me how many people ask my impending graduation. And sometimes they ask me that every time I meet them. Wow. I'm always left dumbfounded which then gives them the impression that I'm actually just dumb and that's why I haven't graduated yet. Believe me, I'm counting the days myself so please stop asking. I will give you a heads up of one month so in the mean time, don't hold your breath.

It's hard for me to explain how different a music course is to say, a Law degree or Accounting or anything else, really. Maybe it's the course design in my university or maybe (hopefully?) that's just how music courses are in general. Music students will always (at least once) extend semesters. So the end date of their degree is never fixed. It's just the way it is. I do realize, however, that courses in public universities are set which makes it that much easier for students. But whatevs. I am where I am. Period. The only way to look is forward.

Listen to: Thee Midnighters - Town I Live In.

photo from d a b i t o's flickr (who happens to own Old Brand New)

peace+love

Educated, thanks.

{Paris building & sky, taken by me}

So, I've just watched An Education (yes, a little late but better late than never). Wow. I have to say I'm a little like Jenny (the loving-Paris part) except for being exposed to art history and a good opportunity to study at Oxford. I do feel bad though because for one who loves Paris, I can't, for the life of me, make a full sentence correctly. Except, maybe, to tell you my name. Atrocious. This movie has taught me one thing; action means character. I stole it directly from the movie. That's what Jenny was told by her teacher and she was coming to realize what it meant. By not doing anything you were nobody. That is a little bit scary, no?

I have this complex (let's just call it that, shall we..) whereby I'm stuck in my degree so I feel that if I were to start doing other things, like learn French or actually cook every night (I watched a bit of Julie & Julia on TV yesterday), might just mess up the whole equilibrium of my "situation". I sound like a coward. Maybe I am admitting to myself that I am. Finally. So now I can do something about it. I have no idea where to start. Women are said to be good multitaskers. Where does that leave me? I may be the one of the biggest embarrassments of my sex. So many people are working while studying, but not me.

Yeah, I guess I'm in self-loathing mode. And no Happiness Project nor anything else can stop it. I'm gonna have to work through it by myself and by my own principles and rules.

Recently, I just read Steve Job's Commencement Address at Stanford University. And again I felt bad for myself. I wish I had read it in 2005 (on my birthday, no less!) and not 2011. I hate to talk about how I wish I did something else, but I can't help it. I hate to talk about how much I hate it. And I hate to talk about how it's no use looking back because it's ridiculous, really. I also hate it with a passion when people keep asking me what I am doing and when am I graduating or whether I was working. I'm just waiting to finish my degree and start to change my life. Oh, and I'm terrible with making new friends, absolutely terrible. I need to do something about that too.

Basically I'm having a shitty year so far. Though it's nothing external. Everything's mostly internal. Stupid feelings and thoughts cramming my head. I know it has something to do with it being my final year of uni, but I don't want it to affect my entire year. It is after all the year of the Rabbit and I'm one hopping bunny. It's said to be a good year for those born in the Rabbit year. I certainly hope so. NO. I know so.

p.s. Sorry this post turned out like this. Apologies.

Something to make up for this+lighten the mood: Blind Melon's No Rain. Guaranteed pick-me-up (who can resist the adorable bee girl?). Oh, and Happy Birthday to my lovely friend Shivz :)

peace+love

The Art of Looking Back

{30 Jan 2011}

Every time I look back on my life, I always think about what it would have been like if I had done something different after high school. What if I had gone to college to do a Pre-U course, A-Levels, or simply continued working instead of going back to school right after the holidays. What if I did whatever I wanted to do? What if I had thought about how much I would regret my decisions today if I hadn't made the right ones then?

They always say, "No Regrets". "Don't look back with regret, look forward with hope and (what-have-you-that's-positive)".

Yes, I would love a big dose of that any time. But what if I can't help it? I'm only human. There's only so much I can 'erase' from my memory and not my life. Please don't get me wrong. I'm very fortunate to be studying music and being very close to graduating (this year). I've looked past the fact that many people (friends and family) my age as well as those younger than I am have already gotten their degrees and joined in the rat race. I guess I thought music would be enough. Right now, I'm left wanting so much more. Art. Literature. Writing. Business. Marketing. I miss doing math.

I hope the important people in my life understand if I end up doing something other than what I've studied for. Athough, I wouldn't if I were them.

Anyway, another awesome song of the 90s that I miss so much and that a local awesome radio station played recently:

Please watch the official video cos it's classic :)

peace+love

(untitled)

We'll crucify the insincere tonight.

We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight.

We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight.

The indescribable moments of your life, tonight.

The impossible is possible tonight.

Believe in me, as I believed in you.

Tonight.

(Smashing Pumpkins, "Tonight, Tonight" from Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness)

I always thought this song was in the Adore album. hah.

Been hearing a lot of it lately. From the radio to my playlist. Been popping up a few times, and it does speak to me, because it's Smashing Pumpkins. Enough said.

Billy Corgan's a good guy.

Updates:

Reading: Fight Club

Watching: nothing. TV is getting annoying, and I'm trying to cut out watching series altogether.

Starting: to exercise. slowly...

Wanting:-to learn how to knit.

-a lot of money (but I know it's impossible because I'm not even working bleh)

Practicing: some pieces on the piano.

Disliking: Malaysian drivers' lack of etiquette and conscience. Brains, basically.

Oh gosh, Christmas is inching closer. I've put on a lot of weight. Such bad timing I have. But haven't I always? Haven't gotten anything for Christmas at all, neither for me or others. BAD.

In other news: I've passed my piano exam! I am so so happy and excited that I can move on and not dwell on it anymore (because I thought results would only be out in January). This is awesome but I need to start learning some new pieces soon :) *excited*

Bad news: I still haven't gotten around to developing my two rolls of film. It's been ages. And this coming weekend I'm gonna be using another roll. It's my cousin Livia's Birthday Party/Dinner Thing! It's gonna be so good seeing my rascal cousins again :)

peace+love

blah day

{Brandon Boyd's "Spilling Spinning" - I forgot where I got this from, maybe his website or the Incubus website}

I found this awesome mix (aptly titled 'Songs that make you feel better') posted on Tumblr through Will Drew's tumblr (which you gotta check out, that's why I linked it..). If you need a good ending to a rough day, please go ahead and enjoy the mix. Only 8 songs, and they actually load pretty fast. I was duly surprised.

Yeah I had a 'blah' day, got beaten down. But I hope to rise to the challenge soon. Now I gotta take a bit of a holiday :)

Need: to desperately lose weight.

Want: to earn money.

Getting: closer to the end. hopefully no potholes ahead.

Still: need to figure out what I want to do with my life.

peace+love

telle est la vie

Ah, this month is passing by like a freaking bullet train, it's pretty scary. Next week is my finals and the week after is my piano concerto exam. Oh. My. Gawd.

Listening to: Dave Matthews Band, A Perfect Circle, Hadyn's Piano Concerto No. 4, Incubus' A Crow Left of the Murder

Anticipating: the 20th when Daphne comes to KL for a blink-and-you'll-miss visit, and the end of this month.

Wanting: to go shopping.

Dying: for a reason to live.

Planning: to learn French. next year.

Found: this video. nice song and video accompanying each other. check it.

peace+love

you again

{artwork by gigart}

New York. Will I ever be able to get over you? If (when, maybe?) I have a ton of money and really, the money just wouldn't stop coming in, I would travel round the world. Go to un-touristy places and discover everything on my own sans a tour guide. And of course shop for clothes and home stuff. I am so stuck.

A tiny bit of advice (mostly for myself): Never ever ever take for granted the places you visit when you travel. Ever. Take a lot of photos and videos until you piss some people off. That would be a sign that you've taken just enough for the memories.

the ultimate goal: I will conquer New York if it's the last thing I do.

Listening to: sexy music (aptly described by the lovely Nicole Lim) with the likes of Musiq Soulchild, Erykah Badu, Corrine Bailey Rae and the 'Woman on Top' Soundtrack (hello, Spanish dreams). Just Lovely.

peace+love

random

{source: frankie}

So I just stumbled upon this video of OK Go called 'White Knuckles' and it just melted my heart. It was almost irony because i was just talking to the boy about having dogs next time and it wasn't going very well. Having dogs or any pet for that matter is definitely hard and a big challenge. It's just like having a kid. So yes, it's a very important issue to discuss when the time comes. I wish for a lot of things but nowadays I think that's just naive because I know it wouldn't happen if you didn't have enough money for any of it. It's how life is, to me. Sad but true.

All their videos are awesome. And they have this plan where they want to shoot a video for every song in their album. Bunch of crazy dudes.

peace+love

Wishes do come true..just not on schedule.

{jack white. via here}

things I need/want to get:

1. sneakers, preferably ankle high
2. camera
3. jeans
4. tshirts
5. gym shoes

oooh things I need to accomplish:

1. finish learning my concerto (2 more days)
2. do some collages and decorate postcards
3. letters and envelopes
4. lose a whole lot of weight
5. plan a holiday trip for november/december

untitled #2

{random: work by evan hecox via automatism}

I don't want to sound like a poet (though I do wish I could). I have definitely lost the purpose of this blog. But that is not a bad thing. It is a good thing. (wow)

Now I don't feel like I have to post about this or that and not everything I plan to write/post about. So yes, it's definitely in a good place right now. I'm very thankful for those who read my random thoughts here. Thank you.

Like I said. Not a poet. Nor writer material (though I hope to have some grasp of it soon)

I'm more interested in crafty stuff now, although I definitely don't look the type at all. And I don't know jack about craft. All I know best is cutting and pasting. And writing(with a pen, not keyboard. haha)

So it's the holidays for me...until September 1st. So I better make the most of it. Like getting a diving license and making brownies and cookies. And practicing the piano. Hopefully.

peace+love

this morning

so many things 'happened' in such a short while.

Israel is bombing gaza to feel all powerful and sh*t.

I'm reading about civilians dying. Adults AND babies. Babies are flying because of the impact of the bombs. Nail bombs. White phosphorus. Israel has some super hi-tech new weaponry stuff that's really bad. it's this thing called the micro pellet.

"Large numbers of it entering the body would destroyorgans like the brain, lungs and abdomen. You can't find the entry point because it enters by very small holes in the skin (The pellets were the size of a pin's head. A pin's head!!!)" [source: The Star, 17 January 2009]

Oh my goodness, while I was reading that...so much pain, and I'm here reading about it with breakfast, peacefully. It sucks really. I wish I could go over there with the relief organizations that people join. I think I wanna do that when i finish my degree, unless of course the war stops, then there's no point of me going is there. I haven't been reading the papers much since last year cos the paper is full of bull (hey, it rhymes) most of the time (especially about politics) so i don't bother anymore. *on a side note, notice that things/words that don't make sense usually rhyme..

That's why I feel like whoa, what the hell - Israel hasn't stopped?? I'm thinking, of course Hamas won't stop cos they're the smaller fish, they need to protect themselves. Israel should know that when they stop, Hamas will definitely stop. I can't believe the president or prime minister or whatever (of Israel) is just letting this go on..I'm really shocked actually. Aren't they supposed to be smart? I think most world leaders now are mercenaries concerned with getting more power.

Anyway, another thing is that I fear I might never get to see my beautiful niece again. But it has nothing to do with the whole Gaza conflict thing, no.

[*edit: I'm happy to say that my niece is back safely and she's an absolute angel. As for the war, it definitely hasn't stopped, last time I checked.]

peace+love