I've been feeling terrible about myself recently (actually, since the final trimester last year) for a few reasons; the biggest one is being stuck at home and not able to easily go out anywhere whenever I like because of my 2nd baby demanding 90% of my attention. I always find myself putting the blame on our innocent little birdie only to realize later that it's only my own fault in the end. She didn't ask to be born into the world at this particular time in my life, so it's simply outrageous for me to even think about blaming her for anything I can't do.
I typed out these thoughts while breastfeeding my (now) 3-month-old baby:
It's hard to feel grateful for all I have (my loving family, roof over my head, food on the table, Internet access, somewhat clean water, electricity, mobile phone and laptop, car. Basically everything.) when I have a list of things I want to do and accomplish but can't because I have a 2-month old baby and a 2-year-old requiring my attention and care.
Having a kid is no joke. Having 2 is, to me, bonkers. I can't begin to imagine how parents cope with more than 2 children now. We have hired a live-in helper and still I'm struggling. I still feel like I have not enough time to do the things I want to do for myself, for my own personal growth and enjoyment. Because all I can think about doing when I manage to get some free me-time is to watch TV and eat ice cream and only stop when one of the kids wake up. I can't imagine if we didn't have help with the house. Already I feel guilty for not being able to spend enough time with Joel, now that baby Mia cries for milk every 2-3 hours and demands serious attention especially during the day. One thing I am thankful for, she sleeps quite long at night, maybe waking up only twice. She takes short naps in the day and sleeps way longer at night. SO AWESOME. Which means I'm awake in the daytime and awake till late at night. And by late, I'm talking 3 am sleepy times. I'd say I'm sleeping at least 6 hours; sometimes I'm breastfeeding Mia in my sleep. I don't know how but it's one of God's miracles that it's possible.
Since I can't do much else while breastfeeding, and the easiest thing to do is use the phone, I'll be on Instagram and Facebook (the devil). Looking at other people's lives in photos, their travels and holidays, the fancy food they're eating, the out-of-home activities they're doing with friends and loved ones. And that just gets me depressed and sad and hopeless and angry. It's made me into someone who compares what others have/do with what I have/do. It makes me forget that every person's path in life is different, incomparable; no point in feeling terrible just because I haven't experienced what they have experienced. It's made me forget that they haven't experienced what I've experienced, so there. I remind myself that each person's experience comes to them at different points in their lives. I don't HAVE to do those 25 or 30 things by age 25 or 30. Hell, I can do them whenever I can! My time will come when I can go for month-long holidays and cross-country trips. I already have so much; everything else from here on out is a welcome bonus.
I try to keep in touch with friends but everyone is busy. So I remind myself not to text too often; you don't want to look too desperate or like you have too much free time and no social life (but it's true I don't have an active social life, haven't had one since Joel popped in 2014). And then I stay away from the phone for awhile and vow to stay away from social media but that only lasts for a day probably. And when I am with my kids I tend to want to use my phone to take photos and subconsciously plan which ones I should post on Instagram and what the caption should sound like.
Instagram is great, especially to expose yourself to other people's art and culture, but at the same time it can make you feel worthless and small and insignificant and therefore depressed.
I need to constantly remind myself of all the good things I have that are way more important. Sometimes my amazing husband helps me out with that (because honestly, there are some bad days). And then I know I am blessed and feel thankful for all that I do have.
I'm only 29, 30 this year (omg), and I already am blessed with 2 beautiful children (Joel has been amazing - sometimes I have to remind myself he's only 2 - about having someone else stealing his parents' attention sometimes), an amazing just out-of-this-world kind of husband and a loving and caring family, a few (just enough) good friends with that one forever friend who's been there all the time despite living a thousand miles away (definitely more than 1000, it just sounds better).
I'm planning on having an actual camera (probably a DSLR) on-hand to capture every day moments. I try my best not to have my phone around when Joel is around, because he tends to want to play with it, too. Yes. He knows how to use a smartphone. It's crazy with kids these days - he's only TWO! He can't read or write but give him a smartphone or a tablet and he'll find his way to YouTube.
Here's to focusing more on the little things, making tiny memories every day and savouring little moments instead of looking into that black hole of a mobile phone.
xo,
D
