Kicking the Habit

(for photo source, just hover on the images. All are from flickr.)

[source]

I've been killing myself thinking about what to write lately. I know in my heart that I'm losing my touch at writing because I'm kinda hooked on watching TV shows and movies. It's like smoking, but there's no patch I can wear to try and quit. I've always been telling myself that I should stay away from the computer (internet, really) and just read a book or start writing something or explore my artsy side with collages (I have a few crazy artsy magazines with nice art at my disposal). But somehow, it never works out. I always end up not being in the mood for anything but whore out to the internet (being on Tumblr and being subscribed to so many blogs takes me on a journey to other sites, so I could be in front of the screen for 3 hours, maybe?).

And after I realize how long I spent in front of the computer, I hate myself. And in the process, I hate myself even more because I'm reading other people's writings and seeing other people's photographs and I think to myself, "Why can't I do that?" I get frustrated sometimes when I spend so much time reading other people's words when I could use that time to focus on myself but then again I feel like it's good exposure for me to be aware of what other people are doing and experiencing and talking about.

Whenever I think about doing the stuff that I want to do (and I've been talking about them alot here, too) but just don't, I know I'm the one to blame.
I'm an addict. A TV addict. I just feel I can't improve myself further because of it. I don't have a TV here but anything is just a download away on the internet. Actually being on the internet is worse than watching real TV because sometimes there is just plain ol' crap on TV which then forces you to switch it off and go do something to refresh your mind.

But with such easy access to the internet, my willpower is too weak to overcome it. I do hope I can fight it and try to moderate my internet usage. I have to check my email everyday even though I am not some media person. I'm just subscribed to websites and blogs, really. That's where my email comes in handy. Social media does not help as well. As much as I hate facebook, I find myself logging in at least once a day just to check if anyone's written on my "wall" or "liked" my link. I think I disgust myself at least once a day because of this. I am almost at complete loss as to what to do.

Yes I know there is self-help. I need to get on that. I know the perfect place.

Anyways, I am quite proud of myself in terms of being more independent. For me, it's a huge deal. I realize I depend a lot on other people and can't drive out to malls or other places by myself. But so far this year I've been better at it - going everywhere by myself. Oh and my driving, I have to say, is slowly getting more suitable for someone living in KL (okay so I'm actually staying in Subang, but I miss Cheras every other day).

I want to be better. At everything I'm into. Soon, most definitely.

peace+love

Heavy

A scraped heart

Nothing much to do

Why oh why

Running fails

Always returning

To your place

Every day hurts

When I sleep alone

Dreaming scared

You sit there

Mocking my fingers

Laughing at me

Weakness comes

Doubts cloud up my head

Nothing's clear

All I know

That soon before long

I will win.

I will win

Again and again

I will win.

The Extraordinary that is Adeline

I've been mentioning her on and off, here and there, mostly because she introduces me to some good music and I like her writing style. Plus, lately I've been at odds with myself, trying to find my true passion/something I could be good at (writing? art/craft? nothing?), so I decided to interview her (my first ever) to get some secrets out. I think I succeeded. Here are some clever questions I asked Adeline. Enjoy.

Adeline

What did you want to be when you were a kid?

An archeologist. And then a fashion designer. Then I wanted to be Jo March from Little Women. And that was just when I was a kid.

[Winona Ryder as Jo March] credit

Nice. What books did you read when you were young?

My mom just heaped it on my brother and I. Everything from Peter & Jane to abridged classics to Ernest Hemingway. No kidding, she read us The Old Man and the Sea at bedtime.

Your mom's cool. What about them that influenced you, at the time?
I loved looking at the illustrated books the most. I painted over my own surroundings with the those pictures. They made ordinary life very fascinating.

[Moth by one of my favorite illustrators, Zdenka Krejčová]

What (kind of) books do you read now?

I like authors that have a straight-forwardness about them. I am not really interested in flowery language anymore (that's so 1997, haha). For dark humour, David Sedaris is my go-to man and I'm now getting into a little bit of Toni Morrison, she is (and I quote) "Shakespeare singin' the blues".

[Toni Morrison] source

When and how did you discover your flair for writing?

No one really told me til I was 17 that I should pursue it seriously. My English teacher took me aside and asked me what I wanted to be. I said "truck driver" and he said "Why not a humour columnist?". After that I took up English Literature during A-levels and learned to really look at words and I've loved them even more ever since.

What inspires you to write?

Well, I suck at other ways of communication so when I write I feel more eloquent and in control of what's coming out. So any time that I feel I have to hash away at a complicated topic, I get writing.

That's good practice. Is there a specific state of mind to be in when one writes?

This is crazy but I think that ideas come when you're not consciously thinking about them. They pop by and it's just my job to yank their tails and pin 'em on paper. I usually lose many good lines because I don't write them down immediately.

I agree! It happens to me a lot as well. Anyway, what are your plans for the future, in terms of your work?

I'll use my internship months to steal as much skills I can get and then I'll take off running! No rat race, no rush hour traffic for me. My ultimate dream is to freelance. Write and sing. Very idealistic and frankly, a bit scary but I've learned that it's OK to be scared.

Awesome. I guess it's how you choose to deal with it. How did you discover your musical side?

I was a closet singer, I didn't even dare sing in the shower! I kept it under wraps for half a decade or so (haha) until I heard Fiona Apple. That was real singing. I read all her lyrics even though I had not heard all her songs yet. And that was what I could see myself doing.

[The very first Fiona Apple song I heard was Paper Bag]

Any wise words for those thinking of dabbling in writing or music?

You can't get better if you don't start.

Word.

Adeline blogs here. She is also one-half of Halfway Kings and you can discover her musical side here.
Much thanks to Adeline for making my little blog a little more fun to read. :)

peace+love

the time is now.

I want so much to be good
Priceless
Valuable
Important
Happy.

So I'll try
I promise I will
If it kills me so be it
It would be worth the trip.

{i'm not a rose - RICOR}

overload

sirens

screaming out my name

asking me to open my eyes

to watch the world go about

torching the sky

spoiling my sight

causing the sirens

to bellow their melodic voices

at me.

the beginning is starting to end

the end is starting to begin

what am i to preach about

when everyone is packing and leaving

this ruined place

buried under buildings

green monsters with cynical horns

striking everyone it sets eyes upon

causing me to shut my eyes

making the sirens

wail again.

Quotable Quotes

There's a website of a really cool and awesome artist called Handlettering Cite. He writes out clever, inspiring, and thought-provoking quotes of notable individuals. It helps that it turns out really good. I'd love to do something like this soon :)

In case it's not too clear:

"Security is mostly a superstition, it does not exist in nature..

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing"

-Helen Keller

[this is my favorite]

Another cool blog about kissing-photos has some nice quotes, more towards love and all that stuff. Two that caught my eye:

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity."

--Albert Einstein

"Boys and girls in America have such a sad time together; sophistication demands that they submit to sex immediately without proper preliminary talk. Not courting talk- real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious.” --Jack Kerouac, On the Road

p.s: Jack Kerouac's On the Road would be another book that I'd love to read. :)

peace+love

untitled #2

{random: work by evan hecox via automatism}

I don't want to sound like a poet (though I do wish I could). I have definitely lost the purpose of this blog. But that is not a bad thing. It is a good thing. (wow)

Now I don't feel like I have to post about this or that and not everything I plan to write/post about. So yes, it's definitely in a good place right now. I'm very thankful for those who read my random thoughts here. Thank you.

Like I said. Not a poet. Nor writer material (though I hope to have some grasp of it soon)

I'm more interested in crafty stuff now, although I definitely don't look the type at all. And I don't know jack about craft. All I know best is cutting and pasting. And writing(with a pen, not keyboard. haha)

So it's the holidays for me...until September 1st. So I better make the most of it. Like getting a diving license and making brownies and cookies. And practicing the piano. Hopefully.

peace+love

Sense

{source}

This is what the world is for,

Making electricity.

-MGMT, Electric Feel

To me, I think MGMT's lyrics are just real. Or maybe it will seem real when you're high. Either way, it makes sense to me. (*imagine me shrugging my shoulders here*)

peace+love

Every You Every Me

{photo from KissMeQuick}

Sucker love is heaven sent

You pucker up, our passion's spent

My heart's a tart, your body's rent

My body's broken, yours is bent

Carve your name into my arm

Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed

'Cuz there's nothing else to do

Every me and every you.

Sucker love, a box I choose

No other box I choose to use

Another love I would abuse

No circumstances could excuse

In the shape of things to come

Too much poison come undone

'Cuz there's nothing else to do

Every me and every you.

Sucker love is known to swing

Prone to cling and waste these things

Pucker up for Heaven's sake

There's never been so much at stake

I serve my head up on a plate

It's only comfort, calling late

'Cuz there's nothing else to do

Every me and every you.

Like the naked leaves the blind

I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind

Sucker love I always find

Someone to bruise and leave behind

All alone in space and time

There's nothing here but what here's mine

Something borrowed, something blue

Every me and every you.

-courtesy of the coolness that is Placebo from "Without You I'm Nothing"(1998)

So I wish I wrote this song. It's a good feeling getting into a song and really 'hearing' the words. There's something poetic about lyrics of songs. Don't get me wrong, not all songs out there are poetic, oh no. Only a select few. And I have yet to discover some of them still. Another songwriter/writer/poet I'd like to highlight is none other than the amazing Brandon Boyd. Oh, I'll be getting his book White Fluffy Clouds soon! I don't think I need to go on further.

{couldn't resist this. Sorry I lost the source for this cool photo}

peace+love

this morning

so many things 'happened' in such a short while.

Israel is bombing gaza to feel all powerful and sh*t.

I'm reading about civilians dying. Adults AND babies. Babies are flying because of the impact of the bombs. Nail bombs. White phosphorus. Israel has some super hi-tech new weaponry stuff that's really bad. it's this thing called the micro pellet.

"Large numbers of it entering the body would destroyorgans like the brain, lungs and abdomen. You can't find the entry point because it enters by very small holes in the skin (The pellets were the size of a pin's head. A pin's head!!!)" [source: The Star, 17 January 2009]

Oh my goodness, while I was reading that...so much pain, and I'm here reading about it with breakfast, peacefully. It sucks really. I wish I could go over there with the relief organizations that people join. I think I wanna do that when i finish my degree, unless of course the war stops, then there's no point of me going is there. I haven't been reading the papers much since last year cos the paper is full of bull (hey, it rhymes) most of the time (especially about politics) so i don't bother anymore. *on a side note, notice that things/words that don't make sense usually rhyme..

That's why I feel like whoa, what the hell - Israel hasn't stopped?? I'm thinking, of course Hamas won't stop cos they're the smaller fish, they need to protect themselves. Israel should know that when they stop, Hamas will definitely stop. I can't believe the president or prime minister or whatever (of Israel) is just letting this go on..I'm really shocked actually. Aren't they supposed to be smart? I think most world leaders now are mercenaries concerned with getting more power.

Anyway, another thing is that I fear I might never get to see my beautiful niece again. But it has nothing to do with the whole Gaza conflict thing, no.

[*edit: I'm happy to say that my niece is back safely and she's an absolute angel. As for the war, it definitely hasn't stopped, last time I checked.]

peace+love