What Christmas Means to Me

 

{image credit: Flip And Style}

Honestly, Christmas last year was easiest - despite it being the first one without PohPoh around. I was more than happy to not celebrate and keep it all low-key.

This year, however, I thought it wouldn't be fair for the kids to not experience all the joy I experienced as a kid during the Christmas season. So we put up a little tree, I proudly let them decorate it by themselves ( after I fixed the lighting, first, complete with lots of tiny shouts and screams). I'm quite happy I managed to let go on decorating the tree and making sure it looks perfect. It turned out pretty great, the kids are natural decorators! Unfortunately, I decided a little too late to work on any DIY Christmas crafts with the kids. Looking forward to next year for that.

What I remember mostly during Christmas time when I was young : mostly hanging out (playing) at my grandparents' house (they had a bungalow house and a spacious land all around the house), decorating the 7- or 8-foot tree (it was a job for the cousins), lots of sleepover nights at the grandparents', and baking pies and cookies, at least one new piece of clothing (for Christmas eve midnight mass), and the wait for midnight on the Eve to open our presents (I can't remember all the presents I got, but I always felt so lucky to get them).

When I find myself alone with my thoughts about Christmas, they just go (read: RUN) directly to PohPoh and then I'm all sad and nostalgic about the past. I came across a post on social media about what the person remembered about Christmas when they were young; and it wasn't the Christmas presents - it was the smell of the kitchen coming from the baking and cooking, and just all the people that were gathered around. And that is exactly what I remember too. PohPoh would always make sure to bake some cookies and pineapple tarts, at least two chicken stew pies, roast a turkey or pork or chicken, and some more cookies. My Grandpa was always so eager to make those pineapple tarts. He would buy pineapples and just sit there and cook the slices (or cubes?) of pineapple for a whole day. They had to come to a sticky texture. He made his own little stove using bricks and some charcoal and wood (I think), sit on a tiny stool and keep an eye on the pineapple pieces cooking. It was like a ritual for him, tradition. His two falls slowed him down, but my Mum and aunties continued the tradition, but they would buy ready-made pineapple jam. Damn, I miss him. 

Christmas as you see in the ads, in the pictures, they're all full of smiles. Behind the scenes though, it's just full-on stress and everyone getting on each other's nerves. But all that has to happen so that the smiles can be seen, 24th December onwards ☺ Christmas, as I gladly took for granted when I was a kid, will not be the same ever again. But that's life. People grow up, grow old, and all that jazz. Not having the cousins around this year is definitely making it a little bit more strange. But I am grateful and thankful I have my parents, my brother and his family, and my aunts and godpa+godma around to celebrate with.

I was just remembering the time of Christmas 2018 - our last one with PohPoh - when we were in my godpa's home, where we always spend Christmas, ever since PohPoh and Grandpa got older and their kids decided they didn't want to add more pressure on them to host the whole family on Christmas; but I secretly think they would have loved to continue hosting it in their house because they get to see everyone coming to see them in their home, visiting and staying over. Anyway, back to 2018 Christmas time, Zoe was 6 months old and started eating some porridge (or blended veggies and stuff), and I was occupied with her and hadn't had time for a shower, breakfast or just a coffee. PohPoh volunteered to help feed her while I found some time for all that. And I thank my brain at that moment because I decided I had to take a photo of her feeding my baby. I'm sad Zoe didn't get more time with PohPoh, but I can show her that photo so she knows that PohPoh loved her too.

I will need more practice with continuing some of the traditions PohPoh started (or followed from her elders). Slowly but surely. 

I could choose to be sad and gloomy every Christmas. Or I could ask myself "What would PohPoh do?" and kick my own butt off the floor and strive to make each Christmas a memorable one for the family. She has dealt with so much, pain and loss, but she was always there for her family; her kids, her grandkids, her great-grandkids. I think making each Christmas great would be a better way to honor the memories of my grandparents. They would definitely prefer to have a wild one instead of a quiet, piece-of-crap holiday. I'd love to make memories for the kids for when they grow up. Nobody would remember the presents they received (at least not every single one), but they would remember the fun they had, the joy and the delicious food, the smell and the sights.

Here's to doing better. And fuck Covid.

peace+love

Another Year Goes By

Ah, progress! Only one year has passed since my last post.

I thought I'd record this down here. Just a little something about my PohPoh.

So the other day I was calling my Mum and no answer. Then I called Dad, and unfortunately he was not able to answer my call. Then I got into the mood to just talk to someone on a phone call and the next person I thought of: Pohpoh. (It caught me off guard a bit. A bit of a surprise, that it just came up like that.)

But I couldn't call her. Although her phone number is still on my top 5 call list. (Before she passed, she was on the top of that list.) Then it all starts coming back.

All the phone call sessions we had. Because she would always be calling me, at least every other day. If I don't hear from her after 3 days of silence, I'd call her. She would fill me in on what my parents were up to, updates on my brother, what my aunts were up to, anything that our family in Seremban were doing.

Then I remember the last phone call I had with her. Just about 2 or 3 days before she would pass away. I called her, asking her how to cook the perfect 'chuk' (as she would always call it) or porridge. She sounded fine, but her hearing has been going down for a while now, maybe under a year. I just had to speak a little clearer and louder sometimes, that's all. Other than that, she was happy to talk for a bit and I thanked her and went on to make porridge for the kids. I think Joel or Mia was having a fever or flu, which called for the porridge to help. Then a day later (if I remember correctly), my Dad is calling me to tell me she suffered a stroke and is in the hospital.

Today, I was looking for a thermos (hot water flask) and I got reminded about the time I bought PohPoh a new flask because I noticed her current one was so old and falling apart. She was surprised and that made me happy because I love surprises (for me and others). And then I remember that I miss her painfully. So many instances where I would love to have her weigh in on some choices I'd had to make. So many get-togethers I missed or passed on, because I didn't want to go through the drive to Seremban just for a dinner.

And I feel so terrible that I don't miss my Grandpa as much. He was such a rock, a superman for me and my cousins. We were so lucky to have them as grandparents. They just loved us too much, unconditionally. Seeing them before their passing was a bit traumatizing for me. I'm still grateful that I have this memory as a reminder to myself; to try to do the right thing, to check my priorities. They are gone, up in Heaven and in no pain finally. I'm still here. So I'm going to do my best in honoring their memory, while still grieving them. Because the grief doesn't go away and that is okay. It reminds me to say a short prayer for their souls, reminds me of their love for me and mine for them.

x

D

On Grief

[Sidenote: Wow, 2 years away from writing. Not great, definitely. But hope I can start writing here again a little more consistently. I'm aiming for once a week. OK, once fortnight. Lest my anxiety kicks in with unnecessary pressure. Also, this one's gonna be a long-ass read]

As the title of this entry suggests, I lost someone very dear and precious to me early this year. My maternal grandmother. I called her Pohpoh but she also goes by Maria Chin or Chin Yoon Nyong, depending on her mood. I'd wanted to write here, to get my thoughts out on "paper" for so long, but couldn't bring myself to share it on the internet. I guess I'm just about ready to do that now. I did write in my physical journal, with messy handwriting due to eyes being blurred by tears.

Just because I'm ready now, doesn't mean that I'm not still grieving. This is just a way for me to remember her and remember how I felt and thought about this.

I had lost my Grandpa (also on my mother's side) about 6 years ago; and it was really tough to get used to not having him around. I wasn't used to visiting my Pohpoh at their home without him being there, it felt different. Alien. And I think from then on, I wasn't so excited about visiting at my grandparents' house so much, for a while at least. I didn't even think about how Pohpoh would have felt at that time. I was actually just getting used to his absence last year. And then Pohpoh left in January.

Looking back, I was definitely brought up with too much love and devotion that I'd gotten spoiled and not cared about how others must feel. How lucky I was - and still am, to this day. Because I'm still being spoiled by my parents (62 and 67 years of age). They still buy stuff for me, for my 3 kids. They let me drop the kids off for a week so I can have a break. Me. Like they are on a perpetual holiday the rest of the time (no, they're not; because they're both still working on their on volition).

I realize my thoughts are all over the place. From Pohpoh, to Grandpa, to my parents. They are my rock. Even though Grandpa and Pohpoh are no longer around, just thinking of them makes me able to go through my day.

When I was much younger, in my teens probably, when I could actually start thinking about life and death, I decided and made a deal with the higher power that my Grandpa and Pohpoh would never leave (never die) because I just couldn't imagine living in a world without them in it. Whenever the thought of them dying came to me, I would instantly brush it off and tell myself it would never happen. I was more than happy to leave first, really. There's that selfish streak in me. Just so I won't have to go through the pain of losing the people I love.

I don't know but it's different with Pohpoh. I guess I was much closer to her. She would always worry about me, and all of us cousins and her own sons and daughters and their spouses too. Every day she thinks about each of us and prays for us, including my husband too. I can always expect her call at least once a week. Sometimes it goes up to 3 times a week. Sometimes I am the one who calls her. And if she doesn't hear from me for more than 3 or 4 days, she will call and drop the hint that I was being an asshole for not calling for so long. She was constantly giving her stuff to me, sometimes buying stuff for me and the family, things we might need or are in need of.

She was so selfless, just constantly thinking about others and how she can help everybody. But don't cross her, because she won't forget it and then you're off her list. Her phone number is still in my phone. It's under 'Favorites' together with my parents' because it was being used so frequently. Every day, something is bound to remind me of her. A bowl or cup that she gave me. A scarf, my rice cooker (that she insisted on buying, about 7 years ago) that I still use.

I could go on and on and it will be TMI town.

I found this while reading A Cup of Jo :

"Rather often I am asked whether the grief remains as intense as when I wrote. The answer is, No. The wound is no longer raw. But it has not disappeared. That is as it should be. If he was worth loving, he is worth grieving over.

Grief is existential testimony to the worth of the one loved. That worth abides. So I own my grief. I do not try to put it behind me, to get over it, to forget it… Every lament is a love-song."

-from 'Lament for a Son' by Nicholas Wolterstorff

Nicholas W. just said exactly what I feel. I love it. It applies perfectly for how I feel about losing Pohpoh. I can't begin to imagine what it's like for my mother to lose her mother, her #1 confidant. I know she has her way of dealing with her grief and I respect her for it. What makes me feel better is knowing that Pohpoh will always be with me, in my heart, a little voice inside to help me go through the day or make me laugh (when I remember some of her dirty jokes). I love her and miss her so much, every day. It was really bad (maybe still is, a little bit) trying to get used to the idea of her not being around.

Christmas was bad after losing Grandpa, never the same. Christmas this year will be really bad. But we will still gather to honor her and her delicious cooking filled with so much love. I'm so lucky she was around to meet all 3 of my kids. I'm so thankful for the time I got to spend with her. I do have regrets - not having spent enough time with her after starting my own family, not being there with her in the hospital when she breathed her last. These are still there, sitting on my shoulders. I'm just going to have to try (somehow) to forgive myself - when I'm ready. It's not easy, so I'm not going to force myself into it. Let's see how it goes.

I am still going on with my life with my family and friends. For now, it seems like they're all distractions from what I need to work on with my life. But I don't mind it. For now.

x,

D

Goals and Aspirations

So, I've come up with a few things I'd like to blog about here. I'm more than happy to have this place all to myself if it means making me write more and create more and think more.

As you can see, I was playing around with my Wacom tablet in Photoshop and hope I get better at it in the future *crossed fingers*

Also, I'm seriously considering getting myself a camera - a good one - to push myself to take more photos and 'record' more memories. I know I could do that with my phone, but I don't know. I'm not the biggest fan of taking photos with the phone. Photo quality is also a big factor, if I want a good one for the blog.

Right now, I'm trying to make myself rely less on my phone so that I don't use it too much, especially in front of my son. He's only 2 but he already knows his way around playing with my phone and his dad's phone and the family tablet. YUP. It's scary for me. I detest seeing children all hooked on iPads and tabs; and knowing that my son could be heading in that direction just freaks me out. 

I'm hoping to do better as a Mum to him as soon as I recover from popping our baby #2 out.

SO many things I'm looking forward to:

- seeing our new family member soon

- losing all my pregnancy weight and fitting into my favorite clothes

- working on Kismet more efficiently

- being able to plan and spend quality time with the kids

- being able to travel (near or far) with and without the kids

Well, this turned out to be a patchwork-quilt of a post. I guess I just needed to get it out there.

Here's someone who just came out with new stuff after a hiatus (like me!). Enjoy.

x,

D

One plus one equals three

Happy New Year (a month later)! 

My son arrived safely and we have been very occupied with him since then. It's been a whirlwind of happenings surrounding our little cub. His christening, and monthly doctor's check-ups. Me getting used to having a baby to care for, breastfeed, clothe, bathe and change diapers for. Honestly, I thought it would be tougher but thank God I took to this new routine without to big a hiccup. The lack of sleep and waking up few times in the middle of the night was a shock, but luckily it only lasted for around 2 weeks. I got used to the cub's midnight wake-ups pretty quickly. I think most of this is due to our stay with my parents, they helped out - A LOT. 

The cub and I stayed with my parents for 2.5 months. Only once we moved back to live together with my Mister did I really get the feel of juggling a child and managing your house and yourself. For a while, I felt like I didn't have the time to do anything else - house work, creative time, cooking - on top of seeing my friends on facebook and instagram going places and and just plain going out for dinner/lunch/brunch/ice cream waffles.

I did feel like my life is on pause and our baby's life is on play full-time. Then I decided I couldn't just get stuck like this. For a while, yes. But not for too long. I think 4 months is enough. Time to bounce back, off from baby "holiday". Not forgetting, time to get my pre-baby body back. It might be impossible but it's hella worth the try. The side-effect of working out is keeping healthy, no loss there.

And so my new, new life begins. On top of my wife and mummy duties, I need to have a little outlet for myself. To be able to create something that's mine (besides my beautiful child, with the help of the husband). Even though I've decided to be a stay-at-home mum, I still want to be productive and resourceful. I still want to feel like I'm contributing something, that's why I'm assisting the husband with his business just doing simple admin stuff and also planning to resume piano classes from home. It's not so great to solely depend on your husband for everything, mainly expenditure. 

I'm terrible with new year's resolutions so I just set a motto for myself, for the whole year.

Whatever I want or plan to do, try not to half-ass it. For instance, my plan to revive this little blog.

Hope I do it well.

x, 

D

Back in the day

It's Sunday and it just screams "Do Something Fun Now!" to me. Anyway, I was going through old photos and came across these two. Many (and I do mean a whole lotta many) years ago, for the weekend, my godfather (sounds so gangsta, affectionately called 'Godpa'), among other outdoorsy activities, brought me and my cousins to Genting Highlands  and we used to go for horse rides and lessons. (Whoa that's a lot of commas, sorry). It was so awesome and crazy. He's crazy. In all seriousness. Okay I'm exaggerating. I guess different people show their love in different ways.

Yes that is my younger self, concentrating on not falling off and doing it right. I forgot the name of that horse. She was so majestic. Star or Mist or Snow. Dammit. She was the best horse and I was so happy I got to ride it. (Photo credits go to my Godpa) 

 Amazing shot by Godpa. It astounds me that people took really good photographs before digital cameras were around. Amazing.

Happy Sunday. 

peace & love

Oh my goodness. A lot can happen in a weekend. In exactly two days (okay I didn't count, I just noticed the days changed). I was looking forward to write about a lot of things here with what I saw and heard but I think I'll just say it all here.
14th October. Friday night, the eve of my Mum's convocation where she's officially a PhD graduate and just hours (minutes?) away from Saturday which would be my Godpa's birthday, 52 years old. Plans have been made. Saturday night we'll all have a big dinner, for the double celebration. Seems like it was just last year that we celebrated his 50th birthday really grandly, dinner and dance and drinks. Time passes by too fast. Sometimes it's to your advantage. Most of the time, not.
We're all in the living room, talking. Which I felt was a rare sight. The TV was off, so rare at a time like this. I guess I'm used to my Godpa's house being noisy whenever we're around. This time it was quieter. It felt like everyone just decided in their heads that they wanted to spend time with each other more, that night, than doing anything else. Topics of conversation deviate from health issues to the Japanese Occupation. Then my grandfather started singing a Japanese song, right after telling us his experiences during the occupation. I will never imagine what he went through.
Midnight comes and we sing Happy Birthday and we cut a cake and we eat some and talk some more. Very soon it's time to sleep because some of us need to wake up by 5:45 for my Mum's convocation in the morning. Everything's fine till we get home and my aunt Christine feels really ill, it's hard for her to breathe, she's asthmatic. While we were at the university, she was brought to the clinic for a dose from the nebulizer. As afternoon came, it got worse. A supposed happy day was slowly turning into a sombre one.
On a side note, my cousin was getting weird signs all day. Like they were trying to tell her something, warn her. I don't know.
As my parents decide to drive back to Seremban to get my aunt admitted into the hospital there, where they have her records, my Godpa gets a feeling that maybe they should just take her to a hospital closer by. Turns out my aunt could have not made it through the ride to Seremban. She was supposed to fly back to Perth but that's small matter now.
All of this was just so overwhelming for me. Signs and feelings and instances. I've experienced, for the first time, the significance of chance and the effects of following a gut feeling.
I was going to do a little dedication to my Mum for all her hard work. But I've already let her know how proud I am of her so I don't need some space on the web to go on about it.
What I can't say enough and will never be able to is how fortunate my whole family is because of my Godpa. I don't know what we'll do without him. I am very convinced there is no one in this world like him. I have never met anyone who is as generous and helpful as he is. As reliable. As loving. The things he does for his family just baffles me.
Right now, my aunt is breathing with the help of a ventilator. I'm just staying positive.

This weekend was hands down the worst. It's all about timing. I know I'm missing out a few details but these are all that are still in my mind.

Sorry for the long story I just needed to get it out.

Oh Brother

It's been too long since I last hung out with my brother (right). I don't remember. So when he wanted to go out to pick out a guitar I just thought yeah, why not. It kinda sucked because I don't know how to play the guitar (something I'm resolving by teaching myself. Slowly). But I dunno, I was okay with just wandering around trying to look like I knew how to play the guitar. His friend, Rahul is such a chill guy who happens to be my friend's brother, who also happens to be a damn good guitarist-drummer-bassist-musician (you get my drift). Yeah it happens. Anyway.

Happy Birthday, Koh Koh. I love you.

I just think people don't say it enough to the people they care about, these days.

I hope I get your present in time. And that you have a good day at work and get to celebrate after.

peace+love

(untitled)

We'll crucify the insincere tonight.

We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight.

We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight.

The indescribable moments of your life, tonight.

The impossible is possible tonight.

Believe in me, as I believed in you.

Tonight.

(Smashing Pumpkins, "Tonight, Tonight" from Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness)

I always thought this song was in the Adore album. hah.

Been hearing a lot of it lately. From the radio to my playlist. Been popping up a few times, and it does speak to me, because it's Smashing Pumpkins. Enough said.

Billy Corgan's a good guy.

Updates:

Reading: Fight Club

Watching: nothing. TV is getting annoying, and I'm trying to cut out watching series altogether.

Starting: to exercise. slowly...

Wanting:-to learn how to knit.

-a lot of money (but I know it's impossible because I'm not even working bleh)

Practicing: some pieces on the piano.

Disliking: Malaysian drivers' lack of etiquette and conscience. Brains, basically.

Oh gosh, Christmas is inching closer. I've put on a lot of weight. Such bad timing I have. But haven't I always? Haven't gotten anything for Christmas at all, neither for me or others. BAD.

In other news: I've passed my piano exam! I am so so happy and excited that I can move on and not dwell on it anymore (because I thought results would only be out in January). This is awesome but I need to start learning some new pieces soon :) *excited*

Bad news: I still haven't gotten around to developing my two rolls of film. It's been ages. And this coming weekend I'm gonna be using another roll. It's my cousin Livia's Birthday Party/Dinner Thing! It's gonna be so good seeing my rascal cousins again :)

peace+love

Duplicity

This is what everyone does when they visit the Leaning Tower of Pisa:

{sorry, I lost the source for this image}

And that is exactly what I did too:

Kinda makes me feel like a bad cliche. For the record, I am so thankful for my lovely and dearest-in-the-world aunt Teresa who sponsored my Euro trip. I plan to go back to the same places I visited to experience it on my own time, and not on the tour guide's time (screw guided tours. no offence.)

Discovered: Bibio and Bon Iver

Decided: to live more in the present than the future. Because it's more worth it that way, really.

peace+love