As the title of this entry suggests, I lost someone very dear and precious to me early this year. My maternal grandmother. I called her Pohpoh but she also goes by Maria Chin or Chin Yoon Nyong, depending on her mood. I'd wanted to write here, to get my thoughts out on "paper" for so long, but couldn't bring myself to share it on the internet. I guess I'm just about ready to do that now. I did write in my physical journal, with messy handwriting due to eyes being blurred by tears.
Just because I'm ready now, doesn't mean that I'm not still grieving. This is just a way for me to remember her and remember how I felt and thought about this.
I had lost my Grandpa (also on my mother's side) about 6 years ago; and it was really tough to get used to not having him around. I wasn't used to visiting my Pohpoh at their home without him being there, it felt different. Alien. And I think from then on, I wasn't so excited about visiting at my grandparents' house so much, for a while at least. I didn't even think about how Pohpoh would have felt at that time. I was actually just getting used to his absence last year. And then Pohpoh left in January.
Looking back, I was definitely brought up with too much love and devotion that I'd gotten spoiled and not cared about how others must feel. How lucky I was - and still am, to this day. Because I'm still being spoiled by my parents (62 and 67 years of age). They still buy stuff for me, for my 3 kids. They let me drop the kids off for a week so I can have a break. Me. Like they are on a perpetual holiday the rest of the time (no, they're not; because they're both still working on their on volition).
I realize my thoughts are all over the place. From Pohpoh, to Grandpa, to my parents. They are my rock. Even though Grandpa and Pohpoh are no longer around, just thinking of them makes me able to go through my day.
When I was much younger, in my teens probably, when I could actually start thinking about life and death, I decided and made a deal with the higher power that my Grandpa and Pohpoh would never leave (never die) because I just couldn't imagine living in a world without them in it. Whenever the thought of them dying came to me, I would instantly brush it off and tell myself it would never happen. I was more than happy to leave first, really. There's that selfish streak in me. Just so I won't have to go through the pain of losing the people I love.
I don't know but it's different with Pohpoh. I guess I was much closer to her. She would always worry about me, and all of us cousins and her own sons and daughters and their spouses too. Every day she thinks about each of us and prays for us, including my husband too. I can always expect her call at least once a week. Sometimes it goes up to 3 times a week. Sometimes I am the one who calls her. And if she doesn't hear from me for more than 3 or 4 days, she will call and drop the hint that I was being an asshole for not calling for so long. She was constantly giving her stuff to me, sometimes buying stuff for me and the family, things we might need or are in need of.
She was so selfless, just constantly thinking about others and how she can help everybody. But don't cross her, because she won't forget it and then you're off her list. Her phone number is still in my phone. It's under 'Favorites' together with my parents' because it was being used so frequently. Every day, something is bound to remind me of her. A bowl or cup that she gave me. A scarf, my rice cooker (that she insisted on buying, about 7 years ago) that I still use.
I could go on and on and it will be TMI town.
I found this while reading A Cup of Jo :
"Rather often I am asked whether the grief remains as intense as when I wrote. The answer is, No. The wound is no longer raw. But it has not disappeared. That is as it should be. If he was worth loving, he is worth grieving over.
Grief is existential testimony to the worth of the one loved. That worth abides. So I own my grief. I do not try to put it behind me, to get over it, to forget it… Every lament is a love-song."
-from 'Lament for a Son' by Nicholas Wolterstorff
Nicholas W. just said exactly what I feel. I love it. It applies perfectly for how I feel about losing Pohpoh. I can't begin to imagine what it's like for my mother to lose her mother, her #1 confidant. I know she has her way of dealing with her grief and I respect her for it. What makes me feel better is knowing that Pohpoh will always be with me, in my heart, a little voice inside to help me go through the day or make me laugh (when I remember some of her dirty jokes). I love her and miss her so much, every day. It was really bad (maybe still is, a little bit) trying to get used to the idea of her not being around.
Christmas was bad after losing Grandpa, never the same. Christmas this year will be really bad. But we will still gather to honor her and her delicious cooking filled with so much love. I'm so lucky she was around to meet all 3 of my kids. I'm so thankful for the time I got to spend with her. I do have regrets - not having spent enough time with her after starting my own family, not being there with her in the hospital when she breathed her last. These are still there, sitting on my shoulders. I'm just going to have to try (somehow) to forgive myself - when I'm ready. It's not easy, so I'm not going to force myself into it. Let's see how it goes.
I am still going on with my life with my family and friends. For now, it seems like they're all distractions from what I need to work on with my life. But I don't mind it. For now.
x,
D
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