What Christmas Means to Me

 

{image credit: Flip And Style}

Honestly, Christmas last year was easiest - despite it being the first one without PohPoh around. I was more than happy to not celebrate and keep it all low-key.

This year, however, I thought it wouldn't be fair for the kids to not experience all the joy I experienced as a kid during the Christmas season. So we put up a little tree, I proudly let them decorate it by themselves ( after I fixed the lighting, first, complete with lots of tiny shouts and screams). I'm quite happy I managed to let go on decorating the tree and making sure it looks perfect. It turned out pretty great, the kids are natural decorators! Unfortunately, I decided a little too late to work on any DIY Christmas crafts with the kids. Looking forward to next year for that.

What I remember mostly during Christmas time when I was young : mostly hanging out (playing) at my grandparents' house (they had a bungalow house and a spacious land all around the house), decorating the 7- or 8-foot tree (it was a job for the cousins), lots of sleepover nights at the grandparents', and baking pies and cookies, at least one new piece of clothing (for Christmas eve midnight mass), and the wait for midnight on the Eve to open our presents (I can't remember all the presents I got, but I always felt so lucky to get them).

When I find myself alone with my thoughts about Christmas, they just go (read: RUN) directly to PohPoh and then I'm all sad and nostalgic about the past. I came across a post on social media about what the person remembered about Christmas when they were young; and it wasn't the Christmas presents - it was the smell of the kitchen coming from the baking and cooking, and just all the people that were gathered around. And that is exactly what I remember too. PohPoh would always make sure to bake some cookies and pineapple tarts, at least two chicken stew pies, roast a turkey or pork or chicken, and some more cookies. My Grandpa was always so eager to make those pineapple tarts. He would buy pineapples and just sit there and cook the slices (or cubes?) of pineapple for a whole day. They had to come to a sticky texture. He made his own little stove using bricks and some charcoal and wood (I think), sit on a tiny stool and keep an eye on the pineapple pieces cooking. It was like a ritual for him, tradition. His two falls slowed him down, but my Mum and aunties continued the tradition, but they would buy ready-made pineapple jam. Damn, I miss him. 

Christmas as you see in the ads, in the pictures, they're all full of smiles. Behind the scenes though, it's just full-on stress and everyone getting on each other's nerves. But all that has to happen so that the smiles can be seen, 24th December onwards ☺ Christmas, as I gladly took for granted when I was a kid, will not be the same ever again. But that's life. People grow up, grow old, and all that jazz. Not having the cousins around this year is definitely making it a little bit more strange. But I am grateful and thankful I have my parents, my brother and his family, and my aunts and godpa+godma around to celebrate with.

I was just remembering the time of Christmas 2018 - our last one with PohPoh - when we were in my godpa's home, where we always spend Christmas, ever since PohPoh and Grandpa got older and their kids decided they didn't want to add more pressure on them to host the whole family on Christmas; but I secretly think they would have loved to continue hosting it in their house because they get to see everyone coming to see them in their home, visiting and staying over. Anyway, back to 2018 Christmas time, Zoe was 6 months old and started eating some porridge (or blended veggies and stuff), and I was occupied with her and hadn't had time for a shower, breakfast or just a coffee. PohPoh volunteered to help feed her while I found some time for all that. And I thank my brain at that moment because I decided I had to take a photo of her feeding my baby. I'm sad Zoe didn't get more time with PohPoh, but I can show her that photo so she knows that PohPoh loved her too.

I will need more practice with continuing some of the traditions PohPoh started (or followed from her elders). Slowly but surely. 

I could choose to be sad and gloomy every Christmas. Or I could ask myself "What would PohPoh do?" and kick my own butt off the floor and strive to make each Christmas a memorable one for the family. She has dealt with so much, pain and loss, but she was always there for her family; her kids, her grandkids, her great-grandkids. I think making each Christmas great would be a better way to honor the memories of my grandparents. They would definitely prefer to have a wild one instead of a quiet, piece-of-crap holiday. I'd love to make memories for the kids for when they grow up. Nobody would remember the presents they received (at least not every single one), but they would remember the fun they had, the joy and the delicious food, the smell and the sights.

Here's to doing better. And fuck Covid.

peace+love

Another Year Goes By

Ah, progress! Only one year has passed since my last post.

I thought I'd record this down here. Just a little something about my PohPoh.

So the other day I was calling my Mum and no answer. Then I called Dad, and unfortunately he was not able to answer my call. Then I got into the mood to just talk to someone on a phone call and the next person I thought of: Pohpoh. (It caught me off guard a bit. A bit of a surprise, that it just came up like that.)

But I couldn't call her. Although her phone number is still on my top 5 call list. (Before she passed, she was on the top of that list.) Then it all starts coming back.

All the phone call sessions we had. Because she would always be calling me, at least every other day. If I don't hear from her after 3 days of silence, I'd call her. She would fill me in on what my parents were up to, updates on my brother, what my aunts were up to, anything that our family in Seremban were doing.

Then I remember the last phone call I had with her. Just about 2 or 3 days before she would pass away. I called her, asking her how to cook the perfect 'chuk' (as she would always call it) or porridge. She sounded fine, but her hearing has been going down for a while now, maybe under a year. I just had to speak a little clearer and louder sometimes, that's all. Other than that, she was happy to talk for a bit and I thanked her and went on to make porridge for the kids. I think Joel or Mia was having a fever or flu, which called for the porridge to help. Then a day later (if I remember correctly), my Dad is calling me to tell me she suffered a stroke and is in the hospital.

Today, I was looking for a thermos (hot water flask) and I got reminded about the time I bought PohPoh a new flask because I noticed her current one was so old and falling apart. She was surprised and that made me happy because I love surprises (for me and others). And then I remember that I miss her painfully. So many instances where I would love to have her weigh in on some choices I'd had to make. So many get-togethers I missed or passed on, because I didn't want to go through the drive to Seremban just for a dinner.

And I feel so terrible that I don't miss my Grandpa as much. He was such a rock, a superman for me and my cousins. We were so lucky to have them as grandparents. They just loved us too much, unconditionally. Seeing them before their passing was a bit traumatizing for me. I'm still grateful that I have this memory as a reminder to myself; to try to do the right thing, to check my priorities. They are gone, up in Heaven and in no pain finally. I'm still here. So I'm going to do my best in honoring their memory, while still grieving them. Because the grief doesn't go away and that is okay. It reminds me to say a short prayer for their souls, reminds me of their love for me and mine for them.

x

D

On Grief

[Sidenote: Wow, 2 years away from writing. Not great, definitely. But hope I can start writing here again a little more consistently. I'm aiming for once a week. OK, once fortnight. Lest my anxiety kicks in with unnecessary pressure. Also, this one's gonna be a long-ass read]

As the title of this entry suggests, I lost someone very dear and precious to me early this year. My maternal grandmother. I called her Pohpoh but she also goes by Maria Chin or Chin Yoon Nyong, depending on her mood. I'd wanted to write here, to get my thoughts out on "paper" for so long, but couldn't bring myself to share it on the internet. I guess I'm just about ready to do that now. I did write in my physical journal, with messy handwriting due to eyes being blurred by tears.

Just because I'm ready now, doesn't mean that I'm not still grieving. This is just a way for me to remember her and remember how I felt and thought about this.

I had lost my Grandpa (also on my mother's side) about 6 years ago; and it was really tough to get used to not having him around. I wasn't used to visiting my Pohpoh at their home without him being there, it felt different. Alien. And I think from then on, I wasn't so excited about visiting at my grandparents' house so much, for a while at least. I didn't even think about how Pohpoh would have felt at that time. I was actually just getting used to his absence last year. And then Pohpoh left in January.

Looking back, I was definitely brought up with too much love and devotion that I'd gotten spoiled and not cared about how others must feel. How lucky I was - and still am, to this day. Because I'm still being spoiled by my parents (62 and 67 years of age). They still buy stuff for me, for my 3 kids. They let me drop the kids off for a week so I can have a break. Me. Like they are on a perpetual holiday the rest of the time (no, they're not; because they're both still working on their on volition).

I realize my thoughts are all over the place. From Pohpoh, to Grandpa, to my parents. They are my rock. Even though Grandpa and Pohpoh are no longer around, just thinking of them makes me able to go through my day.

When I was much younger, in my teens probably, when I could actually start thinking about life and death, I decided and made a deal with the higher power that my Grandpa and Pohpoh would never leave (never die) because I just couldn't imagine living in a world without them in it. Whenever the thought of them dying came to me, I would instantly brush it off and tell myself it would never happen. I was more than happy to leave first, really. There's that selfish streak in me. Just so I won't have to go through the pain of losing the people I love.

I don't know but it's different with Pohpoh. I guess I was much closer to her. She would always worry about me, and all of us cousins and her own sons and daughters and their spouses too. Every day she thinks about each of us and prays for us, including my husband too. I can always expect her call at least once a week. Sometimes it goes up to 3 times a week. Sometimes I am the one who calls her. And if she doesn't hear from me for more than 3 or 4 days, she will call and drop the hint that I was being an asshole for not calling for so long. She was constantly giving her stuff to me, sometimes buying stuff for me and the family, things we might need or are in need of.

She was so selfless, just constantly thinking about others and how she can help everybody. But don't cross her, because she won't forget it and then you're off her list. Her phone number is still in my phone. It's under 'Favorites' together with my parents' because it was being used so frequently. Every day, something is bound to remind me of her. A bowl or cup that she gave me. A scarf, my rice cooker (that she insisted on buying, about 7 years ago) that I still use.

I could go on and on and it will be TMI town.

I found this while reading A Cup of Jo :

"Rather often I am asked whether the grief remains as intense as when I wrote. The answer is, No. The wound is no longer raw. But it has not disappeared. That is as it should be. If he was worth loving, he is worth grieving over.

Grief is existential testimony to the worth of the one loved. That worth abides. So I own my grief. I do not try to put it behind me, to get over it, to forget it… Every lament is a love-song."

-from 'Lament for a Son' by Nicholas Wolterstorff

Nicholas W. just said exactly what I feel. I love it. It applies perfectly for how I feel about losing Pohpoh. I can't begin to imagine what it's like for my mother to lose her mother, her #1 confidant. I know she has her way of dealing with her grief and I respect her for it. What makes me feel better is knowing that Pohpoh will always be with me, in my heart, a little voice inside to help me go through the day or make me laugh (when I remember some of her dirty jokes). I love her and miss her so much, every day. It was really bad (maybe still is, a little bit) trying to get used to the idea of her not being around.

Christmas was bad after losing Grandpa, never the same. Christmas this year will be really bad. But we will still gather to honor her and her delicious cooking filled with so much love. I'm so lucky she was around to meet all 3 of my kids. I'm so thankful for the time I got to spend with her. I do have regrets - not having spent enough time with her after starting my own family, not being there with her in the hospital when she breathed her last. These are still there, sitting on my shoulders. I'm just going to have to try (somehow) to forgive myself - when I'm ready. It's not easy, so I'm not going to force myself into it. Let's see how it goes.

I am still going on with my life with my family and friends. For now, it seems like they're all distractions from what I need to work on with my life. But I don't mind it. For now.

x,

D

The Wonder of Amy Krouse Rosenthal

I just came across this account on Instagram, while browsing for illustrators to get in touch with for Kismet. It just blew me away.
I was looking at the artist Sophie Blackall's Instagram account and clicked on one of her pictures. She drew an elephant (I love elephants) with the initials 'A.K.R.' and then I read the caption; it was about someone (I just breezed past the name) and somehow I had the impression that this person has passed away and Sophie did this in memory of this person. And the rest is history. And here I am, writing about this amazing thing I just experienced. By just going through an Instagram account.

The Instagram account belonged to Amy Krouse Rosenthal, a prolific author for children and adults. She was fighting cancer and lost her battle early this year. Two months before that, she started a little project of her own, to post a photo everyday of something she made or whatever that was on her mind that she wanted to talk about. She named it Project 1,2,3 and wanted to do it for 123 days. She stopped at Day 61.

After that, her daughter Paris decides to continue her mother's project all the way to Day 123, by sharing anything about her mother that was important to her. And through Paris did I learn the amazing character that is Amy K Rosenthal. Amy has created many precious memories for her children (2 boys and 1 girl); individually and as a unit. From what I read about her through the words of her daughter, Amy was a source of brightness and love to all. The little things and little practices that she comes up with - just amazes me! She has 3 children and somehow she managed to have a special bond with each of them individually. The kind of stories Amy's daughter shares, it's heart-wrenching. It's really amazing to know how your little gestures of love can change or shape someone's way of life.

It just made me realize how important it is for us to record little moments because it may seem like nothing much now, but years later these little things are what we will hold on to, what we will look for, just for the sake of looking back.

Joel is going to be 3 in September and already I'm finding myself trying to look back, trying to remember how it was when he was just one. There are so many things he did and said (only a handful of words or syllables) at that age that I can't recall already, because I didn't always write in my journal or take a photo. And it's quite sad because when he grows up, he won't remember all of this, at least the first 5 years, and it's up to me to 'record' these memories for him to look back upon when he's older.

Amy Krouse Rosenthal has definitely inspired me to become a better person. I can't get over all the little things she did for her family, especially about leaving little notes and poems around the house for them to find and read and ponder over. I think in order to have done that, one must already be firm with who they are and what their purpose is on earth. Amy knew what she wanted to do and she did exactly that and that's why she led a life full of love and happiness all around her.

x,

D

Himachal Pradesh

Very early on, I decided I wouldn't travel to India. There are a few reasons as to how I came to this decision. And recently I decided I might just add it to my list of must-visit places. Only two reasons (so far) that changed my mind: The Darjeeling Limited and this retreat called Vaatalya in Himachal Pradesh, a state in northern India.

breathtaking photos taken from Vaatalya's Instagram

x,

D

Just a Minute in January

Svabhu Kohli

Whoopsy-do, missed it again!
Just a few things I've been up to in January:

Watching ... The Office (US) and only just finished the last episode of the final season today. (Just in time for a new month to get hooked on a 'new' show.) Cried. So many clever stupid lines. The writers of the show : kudos. Well done, guys. At first, I'd be annoyed at all the silly (OK, plain asinine) things Michael Scott did; but after he left, I wasn't all too excited to continue watching. And I teared up to see him back for a bit for the finale. Lucky for the Jim+Pam story, I had to keep watching and then to cry at some points. I kinda felt like Jim+Pam was me+my man; almost too similar! (Married with two kids, husband with plans to start his own business related to his passion). Another favorite part of the show is whenever Jim looks at the camera. And way to go with the guest appearances! Love them all.

Reading ... still working on Murakami's The Wind-up Bird Chronicle. A little tougher to go through (for me) than Norwegian Wood. I have 1Q84 untouched and waiting for me. Oh bless me. But I'm looking forward to starting Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Memories of My Melancholy Whores (thank you, Meena!)

Eating ... anything I feel like eating, and at any time of the day. Which is terrible and makes me feel like crap after. My excuse to myself is that I'm breastfeeding so I get to eat anything in the hopes of helping with good milk flow. (nope, it doesn't work that way.)

Feeling ... like a half-ass mum right now. I realize I'm not putting enough effort in spending quality time with Joel. Need to work on that a lot more. Tending to Mia keeps me away from him because he always gets too excited around her and ends up hurting himself, Mia or me, or all of us at the same time. Anticipating for the day Mia is old enough so they can play together and it'll be easier to spend time with them both.

Doing ... more work for Kismet which explains why I'm spending less time with my son. Seems to me like the only time I get to do work is after they've gone to bed for the night (between 11 and midnight) until Mia wakes up for her midnight-early AM meal. One night, I ended up sleeping at 5AM, enjoying the quiet time I had to myself and woke up around 10AM. Not the best thing to do. But it does seem like that's my only choice for now, while Mia is still an infant. Once she hits the 6 to 7-month mark, it should get easier for all of us. *fingers crossed*

Dreaming ... of our holiday plan to Tioman Island with the family. I hope it works out, though I know it's going to be crazy tiring for both of us being out of the house for more than 2 hours with 2 young kids for the first time. Also dreaming of the possibility of a "honeymoon" trip - just the 2 of us - to somewhere, anywhere. But now that I think about it, what's the rush? We're still young, it will definitely happen when it's time for it to happen. Judging from my experience so far, everything that's happened is by God's grace, so I have faith things will work out in time.

Planning ... my weight-loss journey. First with yoga, and then when it's easier to be away from the kids for a longer period of time - join a gym and get personal training lessons. Much easier if I had a yoga/gym buddy, definitely. Hope for the best.

Scouting ... the internet for artists and illustrators to convince them to collaborate with Kismet Decals. It can get quite tiring and draining.

Staying ... away from social media (FB and Instagram) as much as I can. I've just started to revisit classical music (thank God for Spotify) and it's definitely awakened my lost-for-awhile love for enchanting and beautiful melodies made with the piano. I also decided to dive into the vast ocean of knowledge that is TED Talks by downloading the app onto my phone. Besides that, I've decided to do more reading of good blogs of substantial quality. I downloaded this reader app called Feedly and it's making me so happy. It's only Day 1 and I'm already significantly more happy with life. Also helped that I got a surprising text from a lovely friend. Really, you never know the power/importance of reaching out to someone until it happens to you. Instead of scrolling endlessly on Instagram/FB, take some time out to text that one person you haven't talked to in a while, just to check in if nothing else.

Listening ... to lots of classical piano music. I was thinking of making a list of songs mentioned in The Wind-up Bird Chronicle, but after a few google searches, I discovered that it's been done before. Maybe I'll just share my favorite piece of music in every blogpost.

x,

D

Banes of Social Media Dependancy

Wow. My post title can qualify for a legit article in one of those online news portals.

I've been feeling terrible about myself recently (actually, since the final trimester last year) for a few reasons; the biggest one is being stuck at home and not able to easily go out anywhere whenever I like because of my 2nd baby demanding 90% of my attention. I always find myself putting the blame on our innocent little birdie only to realize later that it's only my own fault in the end. She didn't ask to be born into the world at this particular time in my life, so it's simply outrageous for me to even think about blaming her for anything I can't do.

I typed out these thoughts while breastfeeding my (now) 3-month-old baby:

It's hard to feel grateful for all I have (my loving family, roof over my head, food on the table, Internet access, somewhat clean water, electricity, mobile phone and laptop, car. Basically everything.) when I have a list of things I want to do and accomplish but can't because I have a 2-month old baby and a 2-year-old requiring my attention and care.


Having a kid is no joke. Having 2 is, to me, bonkers. I can't begin to imagine how parents cope with more than 2 children now. We have hired a live-in helper and still I'm struggling. I still feel like I have not enough time to do the things I want to do for myself, for my own personal growth and enjoyment. Because all I can think about doing when I manage to get some free me-time is to watch TV and eat ice cream and only stop when one of the kids wake up. I can't imagine if we didn't have help with the house. Already I feel guilty for not being able to spend enough time with Joel, now that baby Mia cries for milk every 2-3 hours and demands serious attention especially during the day. One thing I am thankful for, she sleeps quite long at night, maybe waking up only twice. She takes short naps in the day and sleeps way longer at night. SO AWESOME. Which means I'm awake in the daytime and awake till late at night. And by late, I'm talking 3 am sleepy times. I'd say I'm sleeping at least 6 hours; sometimes I'm breastfeeding Mia in my sleep. I don't know how but it's one of God's miracles that it's possible.
Since I can't do much else while breastfeeding, and the easiest thing to do is use the phone, I'll be on Instagram and Facebook (the devil). Looking at other people's lives in photos, their travels and holidays, the fancy food they're eating, the out-of-home activities they're doing with friends and loved ones. And that just gets me depressed and sad and hopeless and angry. It's made me into someone who compares what others have/do with what I have/do. It makes me forget that every person's path in life is different, incomparable; no point in feeling terrible just because I haven't experienced what they have experienced. It's made me forget that they haven't experienced what I've experienced, so there. I remind myself that each person's experience comes to them at different points in their lives. I don't HAVE to do those 25 or 30 things by age 25 or 30. Hell, I can do them whenever I can! My time will come when I can go for month-long holidays and cross-country trips. I already have so much; everything else from here on out is a welcome bonus.
I try to keep in touch with friends but everyone is busy. So I remind myself not to text too often; you don't want to look too desperate or like you have too much free time and no social life (but it's true I don't have an active social life, haven't had one since Joel popped in 2014). And then I stay away from the phone for awhile and vow to stay away from social media but that only lasts for a day probably. And when I am with my kids I tend to want to use my phone to take photos and subconsciously plan which ones I should post on Instagram and what the caption should sound like.
Instagram is great, especially to expose yourself to other people's art and culture, but at the same time it can make you feel worthless and small and insignificant and therefore depressed.
I need to constantly remind myself of all the good things I have that are way more important. Sometimes my amazing husband helps me out with that (because honestly, there are some bad days). And then I know I am blessed and feel thankful for all that I do have.
I'm only 29, 30 this year (omg), and I already am blessed with 2 beautiful children (Joel has been amazing - sometimes I have to remind myself he's only 2 - about having someone else stealing his parents' attention sometimes), an amazing just out-of-this-world kind of husband and a loving and caring family, a few (just enough) good friends with that one forever friend who's been there all the time despite living a thousand miles away (definitely more than 1000, it just sounds better).






I'm planning on having an actual camera (probably a DSLR) on-hand to capture every day moments. I try my best not to have my phone around when Joel is around, because he tends to want to play with it, too. Yes. He knows how to use a smartphone. It's crazy with kids these days - he's only TWO! He can't read or write but give him a smartphone or a tablet and he'll find his way to YouTube.

Here's to focusing more on the little things, making tiny memories every day and savouring little moments instead of looking into that black hole of a mobile phone.

xo,

D

Happy New Day

And just like that, it's a whole new year. Unless you're one of those people who like to think that time is just another type of measurement or that time is relative. At least, I'd like to think so. I just saw this phrase the other day: "Day One or One Day, it's up to you." Basically saying we get to choose when our 'Day One' is; it doesn't have to be January 1. That's my kind of saying.

So let's not beat ourselves up so early in the year. Give ourselves some leeway. Christmas was only a month ago (like that's a powerful defense) - I only just kept away my tree. I've come to realize (though I do it again and again, anyway) that it's no point in putting too many unrealistic goals for yourself and then getting discouraged and feeling bad about not achieving them Right Away. I know there's no one to blame for this, so I will say it's my fault for spending too much time on - you guessed it right - social media. 

Instagram and Facebook has become the bane of my everyday life. Every time after I've used them, my mind is tired from being jealous and depressed from all the self-pity while scrolling. Then I tell myself that I will stay away from my phone for as long as possible, to use it only to make or receive calls and to text the husband for groceries. I usually last half a day at least, and then I just have to check on what other people have been up to in the few hours I was away.

Anyway, I'll go on about it in another post. Yes, I have more to say/share. This post is more about pressing the reset/refresh button. 

Here's a few things on my mind for the new year:

- Be grateful for what's happened, thankful for the present and hopeful for what's to come.

- Resolutions rarely work but they're still worth a try as a guide and yardstick.

- start working out 3 to 4 times a week. Do some yoga too.

- work harder to build Kismet Decals to be bigger and better.

- call home more.

- more time spent with Joel.

- less TV, more creative personal work & writing, blogging, journaling, reading, drawing.

Good luck to me with these non-resolutions. I'd like these to be something normal/usual for me to do. Fingers crossed.

xo,

D

Just a Minute in November

{Shyama Golden's Floral Pattern}

Hello and goodbye November (in a few hours' time)!

It's been a while but I have a valid reason - I was busy going through the final weeks of pregnancy (back aches and preterm labor/contractions, I don't miss you) and then finally giving birth to our second child.

Here's what I've been up to this month:

Reading ... Haruki Murakami's 'The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle' (still!) and just started Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (again). I initially started Harry Potter to read to baby while I breastfed her and while she was awake and kicking with nothing else to do. After a few pages I got hooked again and decided to continue reading it for myself (bad mom alert). And now I'm already planning a Harry Potter movie marathon - I kinda lost interest after the 3rd or 4th one, but now I want to try to watch all of them.

Eating ... quite healthy compared to when I was pregnant. Anything that can help with producing enough milk for the little one.

Doing ... minimal work for Kismet, which is making me feel very guilty. Looking forward to do more once I get back home (I'm currently staying with my parents for my 1-month confinement period after delivery)

Missing ... the husband and our home, though I'm so thankful and grateful to be able to spend our baby's first month with my parents and relatives in our hometown.

Planning ... A LOT - for our house, for my son, for Kismet, for myself; it's a circus right now in my head. Need to get back home to my journal and my stationery and my craft station.

Anticipating ... getting my pre-baby body back and then more 'cos my pre-baby body was still a work in progress and then just as I was getting into a good workout routine, we find out I'm pregnant again (heh).

x,

D

Goals and Aspirations

So, I've come up with a few things I'd like to blog about here. I'm more than happy to have this place all to myself if it means making me write more and create more and think more.

As you can see, I was playing around with my Wacom tablet in Photoshop and hope I get better at it in the future *crossed fingers*

Also, I'm seriously considering getting myself a camera - a good one - to push myself to take more photos and 'record' more memories. I know I could do that with my phone, but I don't know. I'm not the biggest fan of taking photos with the phone. Photo quality is also a big factor, if I want a good one for the blog.

Right now, I'm trying to make myself rely less on my phone so that I don't use it too much, especially in front of my son. He's only 2 but he already knows his way around playing with my phone and his dad's phone and the family tablet. YUP. It's scary for me. I detest seeing children all hooked on iPads and tabs; and knowing that my son could be heading in that direction just freaks me out. 

I'm hoping to do better as a Mum to him as soon as I recover from popping our baby #2 out.

SO many things I'm looking forward to:

- seeing our new family member soon

- losing all my pregnancy weight and fitting into my favorite clothes

- working on Kismet more efficiently

- being able to plan and spend quality time with the kids

- being able to travel (near or far) with and without the kids

Well, this turned out to be a patchwork-quilt of a post. I guess I just needed to get it out there.

Here's someone who just came out with new stuff after a hiatus (like me!). Enjoy.

x,

D

The Art of Being Obscure

{a little something I made with this font and floral letters by Piqued & Pensive}

Wow, it's been a long time since I last posted here. If there's one skill I've perfected, it's to be inconsistent. OK, enough of self-deprecation.

I've become inspired (again) to start actively blogging, in the hopes that it will push me to explore and spend more time with my creative side (besides caring for my grown-up cub and one more on the way). It's gotten me thinking about getting a good camera so I can post more of my own photos here instead of using other people's work (unless I'm specially sharing their works here).

A few updates since I've disappeared:

1. We're expecting baby #2! This little bird is due in a month(!!) and we're all excited and overwhelmed at the same time. Mostly when we think about how we're going to handle two small children on our own.
2. I've been all wrapped around launching Kismet Decals, my other baby, and it's been an arduous journey. I'm working on it full time and from home so I can still keep my other job (housewife+mum) just fine. The term "full time" in this context really means "whenever I get some free time to myself". Haha. Now I'll have to juggle those with blogging in the mix! Gonna be a fun ride.
3. For someone who constantly needs to be surrounded by art every day, it's somehow made me lose my own touch of creativity and inspiration. I've been feeling more uninspired and discouraged to explore my own creative side after I spend too much time on Instagram looking at other talented artists' work. I've tried to stay away from Instagram for awhile but that didn't last too long. What I did manage to do was turn off the notifications from Instagram so I wouldn't be bugged to look at it too many times in a day.
4. Our not-so-little cub just turned 2 last month! He's growing and learning fast every day. And of course there are the small tantrums and stunts he will try to pull. All in a day's work for the little guy. He's a pro at tiring himself out every day. Now that I'm waddling around with a big belly, it's getting more tricky to keep up with him. Thankfully I can depend on the hubs to help out when I get really desperate.

That's about all the major updates I can think of as of now. I have a few goals for this cozy little blog's future. Maybe I'll share them in a separate post.

{just decided to share this photo here - us with baby #2 joining the party}

x,

D

Love Recollections

{source}

These words are probably what I would say to someone if they asked me how my husband and I met and how we ended up together, married and blissfully in love. 

I see how people can recall all the happy/funny moments they had while they were dating/married, and I feel bad because it's a little harder for me to remember. Maybe if I spent some time to really think about it I would be able to come up with a list of things we did or he did or I did.

Honestly, I cannot remember what he was saying to me just before he asked me to marry him. He had a speech prepared and he was telling me so many beautiful things, in front of our loved ones, and I just couldn't focus on what he was saying. All I could pay attention to was him on his knee, holding my hand. Then he asked and I said yes after a short pause, trying to make him sweat a little. But I knew I wanted to marry him many years before that, so that was all for show, really.

So yes. What Walt Whitman said: "We were together. I forget the rest."

Now we have a son together, and we can't wait to give him a little sister or brother already. Everyday we tell each other how crazy it is just with one child, but always end up telling each other we want another, maybe two more kids. It's just bonkers!

What remains is the love we have for each other, through the tough times and angry-at-each-other times. At the end of the day, we always come back to each other, there's no where else we'd want to be.

Happy Valentine's Day. Totally ignoring my own words a year ago here.

x,

D

Music Monday: episode five

I'm currently in a smooth R&B mood these days (thanks for mentioning Trey Songz, cousin Liv!). Life is so hectic and time is flying by so fast that when I have the time to listen to some tunes, I like it smooth and chilled. 

I've learned to be more open with music, not just listen to one genre. Because some days you just want some electro-dance music, and some days you want jazz, and some days you just want your 90's rock.

It was a sad week for the arts last week (or the week before, I can't keep track), David Bowie and Alan Rickman passed away, four (?) days apart - both from cancer and both aged 69. What were the odds of that? Terrible blow to the fans who fancied both of them and their works. 

I'll be honest, I never really listened to Bowie's music, I'm only familiar with the ones that make it on the radio and I like them all (though I only realized much later that some of those songs were by him); even that one he did with Mick Jagger, where they went on to make the worst music video of their careers. But then again, it was the 80's. Enough said. It's probably too late but I'm determined to spend some time listening to more Bowie just to try and appreciate his work more.

Also, I'm thinking about making little playlists through Spotify every week. It'll make me discover new music and revisit old forever-favourites. 

x,

D

New Year New Beginnings

{source}

Hello 2016, you certainly didn't waste time getting here. Time is passing by too quickly. I don't know if it's because I'm so caught up with spending time with the little cub (who's already 15 months old, by the way) or I'm so caught up with house work and facebook and instagram and eating. Most probably both.

I know I've said this many times before, but I'll say it again. Hopefully this time will be the last time I have to say these words: I really, REALLY want to start blogging actively again. I promise myself to do it properly this time round.

I have a rough idea about what I want to post about here and I'm definitely keeping my Music Monday posts.

This year is definitely going to be different, with or without my commitment to this cozy little blog of mine. Things are getting more hectic (nope, not expecting baby #2. Yet.) with our decision to expand the mister's sticker business. We've finally decided to work on launching a line of interior decorative decals ( say hello to Kismet ), though still in the preliminary stage.

I hope that by blogging properly again, I will be inclined to actually work harder at making Kismet something worthwhile and just awesome.

I was reading this article by A Pair and A Spare - Do What You Love: Getting Started ; and I thought, "What have I got to lose by trying?" So here it goes.

To new beginnings. Again. Wish me luck.

{source}

x,

D

Music Monday: episode four

Eeeek I missed posting in May altogether, wow. I'm just the worst. I'll try to post for Music Monday at least twice this month. NO. I WILL. Promise. Pinky promise.

So here's a super dreamy fantastical song I found, through Twitter. Someone I'm following posted about watching the movie Song of the Sea and then a few googles later, I listened to the most amazing sound. At least, one of the most amazing sounds/songs out there.

This song is actually from another movie of the same director (Tomm Moore), The Secret of Kells. Two words: Irish awesomeness.

After feasting your ears on this beauty, go ahead and listen to the 'Song of the Sea' soundtrack here. It's really calming. Great for accompanying you at work on the computer and (maybe) for sleeping. 

OK, I'll leave you to it now. I'm-a go work on some quality content.

x,
D

Just a (Late) Minute in May

Sorry for the disappearing act. May just went by in a blur. Let me try to remember what I did. These 'Just a Minute' posts help a lot.

Watching... season 1 of Silicon Valley (thanks, Nicole!). Loving it. Even the Mr likes it since he's also just started his own company, so he's relating well with the guys. Also just flew through season one of Mozart in the Jungle (thanks Daphne!). It made me want to learning a new instrument. The flute or trumpet or oboe or something.
Oh and I just watched Frozen, too. Surprisingly nice. The hype annoyed me into not watching it after so long.

Waiting... for Suits season 5 to start (c'mon, Harvey and Donna!). I'm beginning to sound like a terrible couch potato.

Doing... joined a sewing class and made a little girl's skirt! That was cool. But I think I did that in April and just didn't bother to talk about it too much.
Made some Halfway Kings stickers to give out to everyone who came for their album launch. Go get their album here!
Also, working on more design ideas for kismet.

Feeling... encouraged by the 'likes' kismet is getting and then feeling bad because I'm not delivering enough content there.

Listening... to classical music and blues. Classical music more for the cub and blues for when I've OD-ed on classical music. Oh, and Alt-J and John Legend and Bon Iver. Always.

Reading... as much as I can in the little in-between time that I have. Getting blown away by Neil Gaiman's American Gods.

Loving... my little bear cub more every day. Very amazed at how he's growing every day, really fast. He always manages to surprise me every day. My phone storage is super low because of the thousand photos I take of him just sitting there.

Anticipating... being spoiled silly on my birthday by the Mr. Can't wait!

something I did, playing around in AI and Photoshop with my Wacom tablet. clouds photo stolen from the web somewhere, I'm sorry I forgot where from.

x,

D

Music Monday: episode three

My previous post was partly inspired by this video of Hozier's Take Me to Church.

I was really disturbed after reading news of Taylor Alesana's suicide and then only today I watched this video. It just made me want to write out my thoughts.

Video aside, this is some good music. Nice hook that will get stuck in your head for quite a while.

Have a good week ahead.

x,

D

Get with the times, man.

I recently read about a suicide of a transgender teenager in San Diego.

She was (WAS.) doing well, being out and even making videos on youtube about her experience in school and make-up tutorials and being very supportive to fellow LGBTQs. And then last December, she decided to go back in the closet, fearing for her own safety - in school, especially.

Why else, bullying. She talked about it in one of her youtube videos. She was saying that she doesn't know how long she'll be 'in the closet' for but also how she did have a few friends supporting her through it. Then this April, the world loses her. She's not the only one. There have been many before this who died from suicide because of their sexual orientation. What's even more sad is that most of these beautiful souls were in their teenage years.

It's so damn crazy and heartbreaking that bullying has such a huge and powerful impact on a person's life. An inconsiderate person can just change, not just the bullied person's life, but his or her loved ones' lives too. There was another story of a transgender teen's parents who sent her for therapy, thinking it can turn her straight or something. I think I just read that this "therapy" is about to get banned in America.

COME ON. It's 2015. Get over your homophobia already. Whatever your religion tells you (or how you misinterpret it to support your own twisted thoughts), just accept people for who they are as you'd like them to, you. I want to think there is still hope for the people who spread hate in the name of God. The people who take the time and effort to make and hold up placards with words like "God hates (insert anything here)". Why? Why not hold placards saying "God Loves Everyone" instead?

I think that's the idealist in me talking. It's so sad to think about so many people thinking that homosexuality is a disease or a choice and demonizing homosexuals instead of accepting. All in the name of their religion or beliefs. What if God doesn't care? What if all He cares about is keeping the peace among people and keeping earth sustainable for living?

There are bigger things in this world to worry about, like the never-ending war in the Middle East, life-threatening diseases (REAL diseases, geniuses.) and the efforts to find cures, rape culture, women and child abuse, global warming. Heck, corruption everywhere. MY GOD. Please. I do know that for every one person spreading love, there are about 10 or more spreading hate (just my own rough speculation).

I have some homophobic friends, though they don't bully or openly spread any hate. Still, it sucks to know they find it difficult to just accept and be okay and open-minded about LGBTQs.

Please read more here:
Vice
BuzzFeed
Time and Time
The Guardian

x,

D

Outgoing Mail | March

Since March was my BFF's birthday month, I just decided to mail her a little present. Also, I found myself really busy last month. (Don't I always find myself busy every time, though?)

Even though it took what felt like forever to get her mail done, somehow I thought I could have done better. I guess we'll have to see what I do for April then. 

I'd originally bought a Bob Dylan poster for this special girl but it was too difficult to be packed and sent. So I decided to buy something small to keep her company for a while. The watermelon pouch, dubbed a Yummy Pocket, from my friend's shop of goodies Whenever Shop was bought through Fashion Valet. There are many other selections but I had to choose one and the watermelon looked best to me at the time, I think because it was a hot day and I felt like some watermelon juice would be a refreshing remedy.

I also found that awesome (but lengthy - but so darn good) quote by Neil Gaiman online and decided it was fitting for her on her birthday.

I desperately need to work on my super amateur hand-lettering. Soon.

OH! The envelope is made from wrapping paper-slash-poster (whatever you'd like to use it for, really) from Wrap Magazine, artwork by Jessica Fortner called "Open Country". Every paper lover's paradise.

The hidden but still-visible postcard is from Frankie magazine. I just included it in to protect my little Neil Gaiman work.

As much as I love to send this girl mail to Hong Kong, it would be even better if she was just here so we could hang out every weekend or something. But it's really awesome when we do meet up, because it always feels like we were never apart, and we can just pick up where we left off. Plus, there's the phone for us to keep in touch, so. Yeah.

x,

D

Joining the Club

There's only one way to start doing the things you love - actually starting.

So I've put my little blog on Bloglovin' to hopefully drive me to come up with more interesting content over here.

Then again, I'm just happy to keep an eye on my own progress :)

x,

D

Follow my blog with Bloglovin