Kicking the Habit

(for photo source, just hover on the images. All are from flickr.)

[source]

I've been killing myself thinking about what to write lately. I know in my heart that I'm losing my touch at writing because I'm kinda hooked on watching TV shows and movies. It's like smoking, but there's no patch I can wear to try and quit. I've always been telling myself that I should stay away from the computer (internet, really) and just read a book or start writing something or explore my artsy side with collages (I have a few crazy artsy magazines with nice art at my disposal). But somehow, it never works out. I always end up not being in the mood for anything but whore out to the internet (being on Tumblr and being subscribed to so many blogs takes me on a journey to other sites, so I could be in front of the screen for 3 hours, maybe?).

And after I realize how long I spent in front of the computer, I hate myself. And in the process, I hate myself even more because I'm reading other people's writings and seeing other people's photographs and I think to myself, "Why can't I do that?" I get frustrated sometimes when I spend so much time reading other people's words when I could use that time to focus on myself but then again I feel like it's good exposure for me to be aware of what other people are doing and experiencing and talking about.

Whenever I think about doing the stuff that I want to do (and I've been talking about them alot here, too) but just don't, I know I'm the one to blame.
I'm an addict. A TV addict. I just feel I can't improve myself further because of it. I don't have a TV here but anything is just a download away on the internet. Actually being on the internet is worse than watching real TV because sometimes there is just plain ol' crap on TV which then forces you to switch it off and go do something to refresh your mind.

But with such easy access to the internet, my willpower is too weak to overcome it. I do hope I can fight it and try to moderate my internet usage. I have to check my email everyday even though I am not some media person. I'm just subscribed to websites and blogs, really. That's where my email comes in handy. Social media does not help as well. As much as I hate facebook, I find myself logging in at least once a day just to check if anyone's written on my "wall" or "liked" my link. I think I disgust myself at least once a day because of this. I am almost at complete loss as to what to do.

Yes I know there is self-help. I need to get on that. I know the perfect place.

Anyways, I am quite proud of myself in terms of being more independent. For me, it's a huge deal. I realize I depend a lot on other people and can't drive out to malls or other places by myself. But so far this year I've been better at it - going everywhere by myself. Oh and my driving, I have to say, is slowly getting more suitable for someone living in KL (okay so I'm actually staying in Subang, but I miss Cheras every other day).

I want to be better. At everything I'm into. Soon, most definitely.

peace+love