Another Year Goes By

Ah, progress! Only one year has passed since my last post.

I thought I'd record this down here. Just a little something about my PohPoh.

So the other day I was calling my Mum and no answer. Then I called Dad, and unfortunately he was not able to answer my call. Then I got into the mood to just talk to someone on a phone call and the next person I thought of: Pohpoh. (It caught me off guard a bit. A bit of a surprise, that it just came up like that.)

But I couldn't call her. Although her phone number is still on my top 5 call list. (Before she passed, she was on the top of that list.) Then it all starts coming back.

All the phone call sessions we had. Because she would always be calling me, at least every other day. If I don't hear from her after 3 days of silence, I'd call her. She would fill me in on what my parents were up to, updates on my brother, what my aunts were up to, anything that our family in Seremban were doing.

Then I remember the last phone call I had with her. Just about 2 or 3 days before she would pass away. I called her, asking her how to cook the perfect 'chuk' (as she would always call it) or porridge. She sounded fine, but her hearing has been going down for a while now, maybe under a year. I just had to speak a little clearer and louder sometimes, that's all. Other than that, she was happy to talk for a bit and I thanked her and went on to make porridge for the kids. I think Joel or Mia was having a fever or flu, which called for the porridge to help. Then a day later (if I remember correctly), my Dad is calling me to tell me she suffered a stroke and is in the hospital.

Today, I was looking for a thermos (hot water flask) and I got reminded about the time I bought PohPoh a new flask because I noticed her current one was so old and falling apart. She was surprised and that made me happy because I love surprises (for me and others). And then I remember that I miss her painfully. So many instances where I would love to have her weigh in on some choices I'd had to make. So many get-togethers I missed or passed on, because I didn't want to go through the drive to Seremban just for a dinner.

And I feel so terrible that I don't miss my Grandpa as much. He was such a rock, a superman for me and my cousins. We were so lucky to have them as grandparents. They just loved us too much, unconditionally. Seeing them before their passing was a bit traumatizing for me. I'm still grateful that I have this memory as a reminder to myself; to try to do the right thing, to check my priorities. They are gone, up in Heaven and in no pain finally. I'm still here. So I'm going to do my best in honoring their memory, while still grieving them. Because the grief doesn't go away and that is okay. It reminds me to say a short prayer for their souls, reminds me of their love for me and mine for them.

x

D

On Grief

[Sidenote: Wow, 2 years away from writing. Not great, definitely. But hope I can start writing here again a little more consistently. I'm aiming for once a week. OK, once fortnight. Lest my anxiety kicks in with unnecessary pressure. Also, this one's gonna be a long-ass read]

As the title of this entry suggests, I lost someone very dear and precious to me early this year. My maternal grandmother. I called her Pohpoh but she also goes by Maria Chin or Chin Yoon Nyong, depending on her mood. I'd wanted to write here, to get my thoughts out on "paper" for so long, but couldn't bring myself to share it on the internet. I guess I'm just about ready to do that now. I did write in my physical journal, with messy handwriting due to eyes being blurred by tears.

Just because I'm ready now, doesn't mean that I'm not still grieving. This is just a way for me to remember her and remember how I felt and thought about this.

I had lost my Grandpa (also on my mother's side) about 6 years ago; and it was really tough to get used to not having him around. I wasn't used to visiting my Pohpoh at their home without him being there, it felt different. Alien. And I think from then on, I wasn't so excited about visiting at my grandparents' house so much, for a while at least. I didn't even think about how Pohpoh would have felt at that time. I was actually just getting used to his absence last year. And then Pohpoh left in January.

Looking back, I was definitely brought up with too much love and devotion that I'd gotten spoiled and not cared about how others must feel. How lucky I was - and still am, to this day. Because I'm still being spoiled by my parents (62 and 67 years of age). They still buy stuff for me, for my 3 kids. They let me drop the kids off for a week so I can have a break. Me. Like they are on a perpetual holiday the rest of the time (no, they're not; because they're both still working on their on volition).

I realize my thoughts are all over the place. From Pohpoh, to Grandpa, to my parents. They are my rock. Even though Grandpa and Pohpoh are no longer around, just thinking of them makes me able to go through my day.

When I was much younger, in my teens probably, when I could actually start thinking about life and death, I decided and made a deal with the higher power that my Grandpa and Pohpoh would never leave (never die) because I just couldn't imagine living in a world without them in it. Whenever the thought of them dying came to me, I would instantly brush it off and tell myself it would never happen. I was more than happy to leave first, really. There's that selfish streak in me. Just so I won't have to go through the pain of losing the people I love.

I don't know but it's different with Pohpoh. I guess I was much closer to her. She would always worry about me, and all of us cousins and her own sons and daughters and their spouses too. Every day she thinks about each of us and prays for us, including my husband too. I can always expect her call at least once a week. Sometimes it goes up to 3 times a week. Sometimes I am the one who calls her. And if she doesn't hear from me for more than 3 or 4 days, she will call and drop the hint that I was being an asshole for not calling for so long. She was constantly giving her stuff to me, sometimes buying stuff for me and the family, things we might need or are in need of.

She was so selfless, just constantly thinking about others and how she can help everybody. But don't cross her, because she won't forget it and then you're off her list. Her phone number is still in my phone. It's under 'Favorites' together with my parents' because it was being used so frequently. Every day, something is bound to remind me of her. A bowl or cup that she gave me. A scarf, my rice cooker (that she insisted on buying, about 7 years ago) that I still use.

I could go on and on and it will be TMI town.

I found this while reading A Cup of Jo :

"Rather often I am asked whether the grief remains as intense as when I wrote. The answer is, No. The wound is no longer raw. But it has not disappeared. That is as it should be. If he was worth loving, he is worth grieving over.

Grief is existential testimony to the worth of the one loved. That worth abides. So I own my grief. I do not try to put it behind me, to get over it, to forget it… Every lament is a love-song."

-from 'Lament for a Son' by Nicholas Wolterstorff

Nicholas W. just said exactly what I feel. I love it. It applies perfectly for how I feel about losing Pohpoh. I can't begin to imagine what it's like for my mother to lose her mother, her #1 confidant. I know she has her way of dealing with her grief and I respect her for it. What makes me feel better is knowing that Pohpoh will always be with me, in my heart, a little voice inside to help me go through the day or make me laugh (when I remember some of her dirty jokes). I love her and miss her so much, every day. It was really bad (maybe still is, a little bit) trying to get used to the idea of her not being around.

Christmas was bad after losing Grandpa, never the same. Christmas this year will be really bad. But we will still gather to honor her and her delicious cooking filled with so much love. I'm so lucky she was around to meet all 3 of my kids. I'm so thankful for the time I got to spend with her. I do have regrets - not having spent enough time with her after starting my own family, not being there with her in the hospital when she breathed her last. These are still there, sitting on my shoulders. I'm just going to have to try (somehow) to forgive myself - when I'm ready. It's not easy, so I'm not going to force myself into it. Let's see how it goes.

I am still going on with my life with my family and friends. For now, it seems like they're all distractions from what I need to work on with my life. But I don't mind it. For now.

x,

D

The Wonder of Amy Krouse Rosenthal

I just came across this account on Instagram, while browsing for illustrators to get in touch with for Kismet. It just blew me away.
I was looking at the artist Sophie Blackall's Instagram account and clicked on one of her pictures. She drew an elephant (I love elephants) with the initials 'A.K.R.' and then I read the caption; it was about someone (I just breezed past the name) and somehow I had the impression that this person has passed away and Sophie did this in memory of this person. And the rest is history. And here I am, writing about this amazing thing I just experienced. By just going through an Instagram account.

The Instagram account belonged to Amy Krouse Rosenthal, a prolific author for children and adults. She was fighting cancer and lost her battle early this year. Two months before that, she started a little project of her own, to post a photo everyday of something she made or whatever that was on her mind that she wanted to talk about. She named it Project 1,2,3 and wanted to do it for 123 days. She stopped at Day 61.

After that, her daughter Paris decides to continue her mother's project all the way to Day 123, by sharing anything about her mother that was important to her. And through Paris did I learn the amazing character that is Amy K Rosenthal. Amy has created many precious memories for her children (2 boys and 1 girl); individually and as a unit. From what I read about her through the words of her daughter, Amy was a source of brightness and love to all. The little things and little practices that she comes up with - just amazes me! She has 3 children and somehow she managed to have a special bond with each of them individually. The kind of stories Amy's daughter shares, it's heart-wrenching. It's really amazing to know how your little gestures of love can change or shape someone's way of life.

It just made me realize how important it is for us to record little moments because it may seem like nothing much now, but years later these little things are what we will hold on to, what we will look for, just for the sake of looking back.

Joel is going to be 3 in September and already I'm finding myself trying to look back, trying to remember how it was when he was just one. There are so many things he did and said (only a handful of words or syllables) at that age that I can't recall already, because I didn't always write in my journal or take a photo. And it's quite sad because when he grows up, he won't remember all of this, at least the first 5 years, and it's up to me to 'record' these memories for him to look back upon when he's older.

Amy Krouse Rosenthal has definitely inspired me to become a better person. I can't get over all the little things she did for her family, especially about leaving little notes and poems around the house for them to find and read and ponder over. I think in order to have done that, one must already be firm with who they are and what their purpose is on earth. Amy knew what she wanted to do and she did exactly that and that's why she led a life full of love and happiness all around her.

x,

D

Himachal Pradesh

Very early on, I decided I wouldn't travel to India. There are a few reasons as to how I came to this decision. And recently I decided I might just add it to my list of must-visit places. Only two reasons (so far) that changed my mind: The Darjeeling Limited and this retreat called Vaatalya in Himachal Pradesh, a state in northern India.

breathtaking photos taken from Vaatalya's Instagram

x,

D

Just a Minute in January

Svabhu Kohli

Whoopsy-do, missed it again!
Just a few things I've been up to in January:

Watching ... The Office (US) and only just finished the last episode of the final season today. (Just in time for a new month to get hooked on a 'new' show.) Cried. So many clever stupid lines. The writers of the show : kudos. Well done, guys. At first, I'd be annoyed at all the silly (OK, plain asinine) things Michael Scott did; but after he left, I wasn't all too excited to continue watching. And I teared up to see him back for a bit for the finale. Lucky for the Jim+Pam story, I had to keep watching and then to cry at some points. I kinda felt like Jim+Pam was me+my man; almost too similar! (Married with two kids, husband with plans to start his own business related to his passion). Another favorite part of the show is whenever Jim looks at the camera. And way to go with the guest appearances! Love them all.

Reading ... still working on Murakami's The Wind-up Bird Chronicle. A little tougher to go through (for me) than Norwegian Wood. I have 1Q84 untouched and waiting for me. Oh bless me. But I'm looking forward to starting Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Memories of My Melancholy Whores (thank you, Meena!)

Eating ... anything I feel like eating, and at any time of the day. Which is terrible and makes me feel like crap after. My excuse to myself is that I'm breastfeeding so I get to eat anything in the hopes of helping with good milk flow. (nope, it doesn't work that way.)

Feeling ... like a half-ass mum right now. I realize I'm not putting enough effort in spending quality time with Joel. Need to work on that a lot more. Tending to Mia keeps me away from him because he always gets too excited around her and ends up hurting himself, Mia or me, or all of us at the same time. Anticipating for the day Mia is old enough so they can play together and it'll be easier to spend time with them both.

Doing ... more work for Kismet which explains why I'm spending less time with my son. Seems to me like the only time I get to do work is after they've gone to bed for the night (between 11 and midnight) until Mia wakes up for her midnight-early AM meal. One night, I ended up sleeping at 5AM, enjoying the quiet time I had to myself and woke up around 10AM. Not the best thing to do. But it does seem like that's my only choice for now, while Mia is still an infant. Once she hits the 6 to 7-month mark, it should get easier for all of us. *fingers crossed*

Dreaming ... of our holiday plan to Tioman Island with the family. I hope it works out, though I know it's going to be crazy tiring for both of us being out of the house for more than 2 hours with 2 young kids for the first time. Also dreaming of the possibility of a "honeymoon" trip - just the 2 of us - to somewhere, anywhere. But now that I think about it, what's the rush? We're still young, it will definitely happen when it's time for it to happen. Judging from my experience so far, everything that's happened is by God's grace, so I have faith things will work out in time.

Planning ... my weight-loss journey. First with yoga, and then when it's easier to be away from the kids for a longer period of time - join a gym and get personal training lessons. Much easier if I had a yoga/gym buddy, definitely. Hope for the best.

Scouting ... the internet for artists and illustrators to convince them to collaborate with Kismet Decals. It can get quite tiring and draining.

Staying ... away from social media (FB and Instagram) as much as I can. I've just started to revisit classical music (thank God for Spotify) and it's definitely awakened my lost-for-awhile love for enchanting and beautiful melodies made with the piano. I also decided to dive into the vast ocean of knowledge that is TED Talks by downloading the app onto my phone. Besides that, I've decided to do more reading of good blogs of substantial quality. I downloaded this reader app called Feedly and it's making me so happy. It's only Day 1 and I'm already significantly more happy with life. Also helped that I got a surprising text from a lovely friend. Really, you never know the power/importance of reaching out to someone until it happens to you. Instead of scrolling endlessly on Instagram/FB, take some time out to text that one person you haven't talked to in a while, just to check in if nothing else.

Listening ... to lots of classical piano music. I was thinking of making a list of songs mentioned in The Wind-up Bird Chronicle, but after a few google searches, I discovered that it's been done before. Maybe I'll just share my favorite piece of music in every blogpost.

x,

D