On Grief

[Sidenote: Wow, 2 years away from writing. Not great, definitely. But hope I can start writing here again a little more consistently. I'm aiming for once a week. OK, once fortnight. Lest my anxiety kicks in with unnecessary pressure. Also, this one's gonna be a long-ass read]

As the title of this entry suggests, I lost someone very dear and precious to me early this year. My maternal grandmother. I called her Pohpoh but she also goes by Maria Chin or Chin Yoon Nyong, depending on her mood. I'd wanted to write here, to get my thoughts out on "paper" for so long, but couldn't bring myself to share it on the internet. I guess I'm just about ready to do that now. I did write in my physical journal, with messy handwriting due to eyes being blurred by tears.

Just because I'm ready now, doesn't mean that I'm not still grieving. This is just a way for me to remember her and remember how I felt and thought about this.

I had lost my Grandpa (also on my mother's side) about 6 years ago; and it was really tough to get used to not having him around. I wasn't used to visiting my Pohpoh at their home without him being there, it felt different. Alien. And I think from then on, I wasn't so excited about visiting at my grandparents' house so much, for a while at least. I didn't even think about how Pohpoh would have felt at that time. I was actually just getting used to his absence last year. And then Pohpoh left in January.

Looking back, I was definitely brought up with too much love and devotion that I'd gotten spoiled and not cared about how others must feel. How lucky I was - and still am, to this day. Because I'm still being spoiled by my parents (62 and 67 years of age). They still buy stuff for me, for my 3 kids. They let me drop the kids off for a week so I can have a break. Me. Like they are on a perpetual holiday the rest of the time (no, they're not; because they're both still working on their on volition).

I realize my thoughts are all over the place. From Pohpoh, to Grandpa, to my parents. They are my rock. Even though Grandpa and Pohpoh are no longer around, just thinking of them makes me able to go through my day.

When I was much younger, in my teens probably, when I could actually start thinking about life and death, I decided and made a deal with the higher power that my Grandpa and Pohpoh would never leave (never die) because I just couldn't imagine living in a world without them in it. Whenever the thought of them dying came to me, I would instantly brush it off and tell myself it would never happen. I was more than happy to leave first, really. There's that selfish streak in me. Just so I won't have to go through the pain of losing the people I love.

I don't know but it's different with Pohpoh. I guess I was much closer to her. She would always worry about me, and all of us cousins and her own sons and daughters and their spouses too. Every day she thinks about each of us and prays for us, including my husband too. I can always expect her call at least once a week. Sometimes it goes up to 3 times a week. Sometimes I am the one who calls her. And if she doesn't hear from me for more than 3 or 4 days, she will call and drop the hint that I was being an asshole for not calling for so long. She was constantly giving her stuff to me, sometimes buying stuff for me and the family, things we might need or are in need of.

She was so selfless, just constantly thinking about others and how she can help everybody. But don't cross her, because she won't forget it and then you're off her list. Her phone number is still in my phone. It's under 'Favorites' together with my parents' because it was being used so frequently. Every day, something is bound to remind me of her. A bowl or cup that she gave me. A scarf, my rice cooker (that she insisted on buying, about 7 years ago) that I still use.

I could go on and on and it will be TMI town.

I found this while reading A Cup of Jo :

"Rather often I am asked whether the grief remains as intense as when I wrote. The answer is, No. The wound is no longer raw. But it has not disappeared. That is as it should be. If he was worth loving, he is worth grieving over.

Grief is existential testimony to the worth of the one loved. That worth abides. So I own my grief. I do not try to put it behind me, to get over it, to forget it… Every lament is a love-song."

-from 'Lament for a Son' by Nicholas Wolterstorff

Nicholas W. just said exactly what I feel. I love it. It applies perfectly for how I feel about losing Pohpoh. I can't begin to imagine what it's like for my mother to lose her mother, her #1 confidant. I know she has her way of dealing with her grief and I respect her for it. What makes me feel better is knowing that Pohpoh will always be with me, in my heart, a little voice inside to help me go through the day or make me laugh (when I remember some of her dirty jokes). I love her and miss her so much, every day. It was really bad (maybe still is, a little bit) trying to get used to the idea of her not being around.

Christmas was bad after losing Grandpa, never the same. Christmas this year will be really bad. But we will still gather to honor her and her delicious cooking filled with so much love. I'm so lucky she was around to meet all 3 of my kids. I'm so thankful for the time I got to spend with her. I do have regrets - not having spent enough time with her after starting my own family, not being there with her in the hospital when she breathed her last. These are still there, sitting on my shoulders. I'm just going to have to try (somehow) to forgive myself - when I'm ready. It's not easy, so I'm not going to force myself into it. Let's see how it goes.

I am still going on with my life with my family and friends. For now, it seems like they're all distractions from what I need to work on with my life. But I don't mind it. For now.

x,

D

The Wonder of Amy Krouse Rosenthal

I just came across this account on Instagram, while browsing for illustrators to get in touch with for Kismet. It just blew me away.
I was looking at the artist Sophie Blackall's Instagram account and clicked on one of her pictures. She drew an elephant (I love elephants) with the initials 'A.K.R.' and then I read the caption; it was about someone (I just breezed past the name) and somehow I had the impression that this person has passed away and Sophie did this in memory of this person. And the rest is history. And here I am, writing about this amazing thing I just experienced. By just going through an Instagram account.

The Instagram account belonged to Amy Krouse Rosenthal, a prolific author for children and adults. She was fighting cancer and lost her battle early this year. Two months before that, she started a little project of her own, to post a photo everyday of something she made or whatever that was on her mind that she wanted to talk about. She named it Project 1,2,3 and wanted to do it for 123 days. She stopped at Day 61.

After that, her daughter Paris decides to continue her mother's project all the way to Day 123, by sharing anything about her mother that was important to her. And through Paris did I learn the amazing character that is Amy K Rosenthal. Amy has created many precious memories for her children (2 boys and 1 girl); individually and as a unit. From what I read about her through the words of her daughter, Amy was a source of brightness and love to all. The little things and little practices that she comes up with - just amazes me! She has 3 children and somehow she managed to have a special bond with each of them individually. The kind of stories Amy's daughter shares, it's heart-wrenching. It's really amazing to know how your little gestures of love can change or shape someone's way of life.

It just made me realize how important it is for us to record little moments because it may seem like nothing much now, but years later these little things are what we will hold on to, what we will look for, just for the sake of looking back.

Joel is going to be 3 in September and already I'm finding myself trying to look back, trying to remember how it was when he was just one. There are so many things he did and said (only a handful of words or syllables) at that age that I can't recall already, because I didn't always write in my journal or take a photo. And it's quite sad because when he grows up, he won't remember all of this, at least the first 5 years, and it's up to me to 'record' these memories for him to look back upon when he's older.

Amy Krouse Rosenthal has definitely inspired me to become a better person. I can't get over all the little things she did for her family, especially about leaving little notes and poems around the house for them to find and read and ponder over. I think in order to have done that, one must already be firm with who they are and what their purpose is on earth. Amy knew what she wanted to do and she did exactly that and that's why she led a life full of love and happiness all around her.

x,

D

Himachal Pradesh

Very early on, I decided I wouldn't travel to India. There are a few reasons as to how I came to this decision. And recently I decided I might just add it to my list of must-visit places. Only two reasons (so far) that changed my mind: The Darjeeling Limited and this retreat called Vaatalya in Himachal Pradesh, a state in northern India.

breathtaking photos taken from Vaatalya's Instagram

x,

D

Just a Minute in January

Svabhu Kohli

Whoopsy-do, missed it again!
Just a few things I've been up to in January:

Watching ... The Office (US) and only just finished the last episode of the final season today. (Just in time for a new month to get hooked on a 'new' show.) Cried. So many clever stupid lines. The writers of the show : kudos. Well done, guys. At first, I'd be annoyed at all the silly (OK, plain asinine) things Michael Scott did; but after he left, I wasn't all too excited to continue watching. And I teared up to see him back for a bit for the finale. Lucky for the Jim+Pam story, I had to keep watching and then to cry at some points. I kinda felt like Jim+Pam was me+my man; almost too similar! (Married with two kids, husband with plans to start his own business related to his passion). Another favorite part of the show is whenever Jim looks at the camera. And way to go with the guest appearances! Love them all.

Reading ... still working on Murakami's The Wind-up Bird Chronicle. A little tougher to go through (for me) than Norwegian Wood. I have 1Q84 untouched and waiting for me. Oh bless me. But I'm looking forward to starting Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Memories of My Melancholy Whores (thank you, Meena!)

Eating ... anything I feel like eating, and at any time of the day. Which is terrible and makes me feel like crap after. My excuse to myself is that I'm breastfeeding so I get to eat anything in the hopes of helping with good milk flow. (nope, it doesn't work that way.)

Feeling ... like a half-ass mum right now. I realize I'm not putting enough effort in spending quality time with Joel. Need to work on that a lot more. Tending to Mia keeps me away from him because he always gets too excited around her and ends up hurting himself, Mia or me, or all of us at the same time. Anticipating for the day Mia is old enough so they can play together and it'll be easier to spend time with them both.

Doing ... more work for Kismet which explains why I'm spending less time with my son. Seems to me like the only time I get to do work is after they've gone to bed for the night (between 11 and midnight) until Mia wakes up for her midnight-early AM meal. One night, I ended up sleeping at 5AM, enjoying the quiet time I had to myself and woke up around 10AM. Not the best thing to do. But it does seem like that's my only choice for now, while Mia is still an infant. Once she hits the 6 to 7-month mark, it should get easier for all of us. *fingers crossed*

Dreaming ... of our holiday plan to Tioman Island with the family. I hope it works out, though I know it's going to be crazy tiring for both of us being out of the house for more than 2 hours with 2 young kids for the first time. Also dreaming of the possibility of a "honeymoon" trip - just the 2 of us - to somewhere, anywhere. But now that I think about it, what's the rush? We're still young, it will definitely happen when it's time for it to happen. Judging from my experience so far, everything that's happened is by God's grace, so I have faith things will work out in time.

Planning ... my weight-loss journey. First with yoga, and then when it's easier to be away from the kids for a longer period of time - join a gym and get personal training lessons. Much easier if I had a yoga/gym buddy, definitely. Hope for the best.

Scouting ... the internet for artists and illustrators to convince them to collaborate with Kismet Decals. It can get quite tiring and draining.

Staying ... away from social media (FB and Instagram) as much as I can. I've just started to revisit classical music (thank God for Spotify) and it's definitely awakened my lost-for-awhile love for enchanting and beautiful melodies made with the piano. I also decided to dive into the vast ocean of knowledge that is TED Talks by downloading the app onto my phone. Besides that, I've decided to do more reading of good blogs of substantial quality. I downloaded this reader app called Feedly and it's making me so happy. It's only Day 1 and I'm already significantly more happy with life. Also helped that I got a surprising text from a lovely friend. Really, you never know the power/importance of reaching out to someone until it happens to you. Instead of scrolling endlessly on Instagram/FB, take some time out to text that one person you haven't talked to in a while, just to check in if nothing else.

Listening ... to lots of classical piano music. I was thinking of making a list of songs mentioned in The Wind-up Bird Chronicle, but after a few google searches, I discovered that it's been done before. Maybe I'll just share my favorite piece of music in every blogpost.

x,

D

Banes of Social Media Dependancy

Wow. My post title can qualify for a legit article in one of those online news portals.

I've been feeling terrible about myself recently (actually, since the final trimester last year) for a few reasons; the biggest one is being stuck at home and not able to easily go out anywhere whenever I like because of my 2nd baby demanding 90% of my attention. I always find myself putting the blame on our innocent little birdie only to realize later that it's only my own fault in the end. She didn't ask to be born into the world at this particular time in my life, so it's simply outrageous for me to even think about blaming her for anything I can't do.

I typed out these thoughts while breastfeeding my (now) 3-month-old baby:

It's hard to feel grateful for all I have (my loving family, roof over my head, food on the table, Internet access, somewhat clean water, electricity, mobile phone and laptop, car. Basically everything.) when I have a list of things I want to do and accomplish but can't because I have a 2-month old baby and a 2-year-old requiring my attention and care.


Having a kid is no joke. Having 2 is, to me, bonkers. I can't begin to imagine how parents cope with more than 2 children now. We have hired a live-in helper and still I'm struggling. I still feel like I have not enough time to do the things I want to do for myself, for my own personal growth and enjoyment. Because all I can think about doing when I manage to get some free me-time is to watch TV and eat ice cream and only stop when one of the kids wake up. I can't imagine if we didn't have help with the house. Already I feel guilty for not being able to spend enough time with Joel, now that baby Mia cries for milk every 2-3 hours and demands serious attention especially during the day. One thing I am thankful for, she sleeps quite long at night, maybe waking up only twice. She takes short naps in the day and sleeps way longer at night. SO AWESOME. Which means I'm awake in the daytime and awake till late at night. And by late, I'm talking 3 am sleepy times. I'd say I'm sleeping at least 6 hours; sometimes I'm breastfeeding Mia in my sleep. I don't know how but it's one of God's miracles that it's possible.
Since I can't do much else while breastfeeding, and the easiest thing to do is use the phone, I'll be on Instagram and Facebook (the devil). Looking at other people's lives in photos, their travels and holidays, the fancy food they're eating, the out-of-home activities they're doing with friends and loved ones. And that just gets me depressed and sad and hopeless and angry. It's made me into someone who compares what others have/do with what I have/do. It makes me forget that every person's path in life is different, incomparable; no point in feeling terrible just because I haven't experienced what they have experienced. It's made me forget that they haven't experienced what I've experienced, so there. I remind myself that each person's experience comes to them at different points in their lives. I don't HAVE to do those 25 or 30 things by age 25 or 30. Hell, I can do them whenever I can! My time will come when I can go for month-long holidays and cross-country trips. I already have so much; everything else from here on out is a welcome bonus.
I try to keep in touch with friends but everyone is busy. So I remind myself not to text too often; you don't want to look too desperate or like you have too much free time and no social life (but it's true I don't have an active social life, haven't had one since Joel popped in 2014). And then I stay away from the phone for awhile and vow to stay away from social media but that only lasts for a day probably. And when I am with my kids I tend to want to use my phone to take photos and subconsciously plan which ones I should post on Instagram and what the caption should sound like.
Instagram is great, especially to expose yourself to other people's art and culture, but at the same time it can make you feel worthless and small and insignificant and therefore depressed.
I need to constantly remind myself of all the good things I have that are way more important. Sometimes my amazing husband helps me out with that (because honestly, there are some bad days). And then I know I am blessed and feel thankful for all that I do have.
I'm only 29, 30 this year (omg), and I already am blessed with 2 beautiful children (Joel has been amazing - sometimes I have to remind myself he's only 2 - about having someone else stealing his parents' attention sometimes), an amazing just out-of-this-world kind of husband and a loving and caring family, a few (just enough) good friends with that one forever friend who's been there all the time despite living a thousand miles away (definitely more than 1000, it just sounds better).






I'm planning on having an actual camera (probably a DSLR) on-hand to capture every day moments. I try my best not to have my phone around when Joel is around, because he tends to want to play with it, too. Yes. He knows how to use a smartphone. It's crazy with kids these days - he's only TWO! He can't read or write but give him a smartphone or a tablet and he'll find his way to YouTube.

Here's to focusing more on the little things, making tiny memories every day and savouring little moments instead of looking into that black hole of a mobile phone.

xo,

D